Alive
by pandora1515
Summary: AU. Kaidan thought he lost John, but fate takes many turns. John didn't understand what the hell happened to him, he was dead in a minute and in the other he was alive, but worst of all, Kaidan wasn't with him also he isn't going to be very happy when he finds out that, Kaidan is dating a handsome Doctor. Now rewrite.
1. prólogo

**Two days ago I sat down to read my fiction, and I realized that I leave out many details, so I decided to rewrite it. I want a few more chapters with Kaidan, and Michael. I won't change anything of what happened in London for those who already read those chapters, I will write only what happened a little differently. I want to give John and Kaidan few more chapters before London mission. I want to make my fiction a little more interesting, and include Citadel Dlc. This chapter I leave it as it is, I only add a few lines more after Kaidan met Michael. I hope everyone understands, and keep reading. As always I will write from John and Kaidan Pov.**

When Kaidan arrived to the service he sat in the back; he didn't want anyone to see him. All whom had survived the attack were there: Liara, Garrus, Tali and Joker. He didn't want to talk to anyone He just wanted to be there for him, and retire.

In front was the coffin, but it was empty his body was never found. When Anderson started talking, He could not hold the tears. Anderson was quite affected he loved John as his own son.

His speech was touching, he said extraordinary things about John, thanked him for what he had for them. He referred to him as the Savior of the Citadel and, when he finished his speech, he hoped that Anderson wasn't going to ask him for a few words. He didn't know if he could keep his composure, but he couldn't deny that he owed it to John. He stood up, knowing full well that he looked like a ghost. That was he is no: a shadow of his former self, one empty shell.

He stood in front of everyone, but he tried not to look at them. He took a deep breath and looked at the sky for a second, trying to keep his emotions in check.

"There is nothing that I can say that has not already been said Anderson," he told the man as he approached. "John Shepard was an exemplary man. He taught me much of what I am today…"

He waited until everybody left to approach the coffin. He placed his hands on the empty box and whispered, "John, I thought we would have more time for me to say this but... I love you." He let out a deep sigh, tears threating to spill. "Say hello to Ashley for me. Until we meet again, John."

At the exit of the cemetery, Anderson was waiting for him. "Are you okay, son?"

Kaidan looked at him. "Yes Sir."

"I don't believe son, I know you're strong but you need time to grief," Anderson with a gentle hand his shoulder. "You meant a lot to him. I know, he told me shortly before his death."

"He did?" Kaidan asked, shocked.

"Yes, son, he did. I've never seen him so happy. Shepard didn't have an easy life, but you made it easier for him, and for that I'll be eternally grateful. I loved him like a son, and it is comforting to know that his last days... that he found happiness with you. Thank you." Kaidan couldn't hold his tears back anymore, prompting Anderson to pull him into a tight, warm hug. "I am sorry for your loss."

"And I for you, I have to go ... Thanks those words have made me feel better;" he said wiping his tears and shaking Anderson's hand.

"Do you need a ride?" Anderson asked.

"No, sir, I need to walk."

"Okay, stay in touch."

"I'll try. Goodbye."

Kaidan entered his empty apartment addressing his bedroom. He stood in front of his bed with his eyes fixed on it. Only a few months had passed since he lost the person he loves. His life ended that day he lost John, now he was in front of the bed they use to share during their short leave. Kaidan couldn't stop the tears that began to fall from his eyes; there wasn't a day that he doesn't cry John absence. Kaidan left the room toward the kitchen, he opened the fridge grabbing a pack of beer, and then he went to his balcony. He closed his eyes, "I can still feel your kisses on my skin John. Why you left me?"

Kaidan felt a breeze on his ear, "I miss you."

Kaidan covered his face with his hand he could not hold the tears he felt hopeless, he can't stand more pain, he needed to stop feeling. He needs to sleep, but he couldn't do it, every time Kaidan closed his eyes he saw those blue eyes looking at him lovingly.

"Damnit come back."

He grabbed a beer and began to drinking while still crying. "You were my first and only love."

"I swear John, I can still feel you."

Kaidan could still feel his touch of their last night together, before being called back. Kaidan felt John's body smell on his skin. He didn't want to fall in love, but he did, and he doesn't regret even for a second his feelings towards him… "I love you John."

Kaidan took his hand to his cheek, "oh," He sighs, "if you're here take me with you. I can't go on without you."

But Kaidan wasn't alive, he was dead inside. Life had no meaning for him anymore. John was the only man who could see who he really was. John didn't care about his migraines or his L2 implant, no; John gave him affection, support when he needed it. John used to massage his temple when he had a headache. He made him feel human.

Kaidan remembered all the time that John took away his data-pad from his hand, to take him to his cabin and make love to him. As much as they tried to hide what their felt they couldn't do it. The two were happy in spite of Saren, they were immensely happy. Now everything was pain.

Kaidan felt remorse; he should never have let John he should have been helping him pull Joker out. "Damnit." Kaidan feels that he should be dead, but he was alive and John no. on Virmire John save his life, and now too. Why me? What do I had the make me unique? "

"Why me?" Kaidan cry put.

"I feel lost without you John."

Kaidan look to the sky full of stars, maybe John was very close to them, perhaps, he was at peace, but he doesn't. How to adapt to a life when he felt that he was missing his better half? John completed his life fully.

Kaidan hear a knock at the door he didn't want to see anyone, so he tries to ignore the door, but whoever was kept knocking. Kaidan left the balcony and went to open the door.

"Kaidan."

"Joker," Kaidan sigh, "I don't want to see anyone."

"You'll have to see me," Joker said going inside.

"Joker-"

"Kaidan, I just came to ask forgiveness for all the pain I've caused."

Kaidan closed the door and pointed to the couch, so that joker sits down. "You have nothing to ask forgiveness."

"Yes I do! Damnit Kaidan is my fault you lost the man you love, and don't deny we all know that you two loved each other."

Kaidan sat on the other couch in front of Joker. He directed his gaze to the floor. "I loved and I love him, but he never told me what he really felt about me." Kaidan look at Joker and saw the tears come out of his eyes." Joker-"

"The commander loved you Kaidan," his voice grief. "In Shepard's funeral I wanted to say something, but you look bad, so I didn't dare."

Kaidan saw him drown in his own words, "Joker what happens?"

"A few days before his death, Shepard came to the CIC, we talked for a while, and I dared to ask him, if he loved you, his answer was, that more than anything in the world."

For a moment, Kaidan just look at Joker his lips began to tremble and sob came out of them, "Oh God ... I lost him." Kaidan covered his face with his hands crying uncontrollably. Joker got up going to his side hugging him. "Kaidan I'm so sorry."

Kaidan didn't answer, he only cries at the same time he thought that John did love him and he was willing to spend the rest of his life with him. Strangely that gives him some peace, but not enough to ease his pain.

"Joker I don't know what to do everything is so difficult. Everything hurts, it hurts to breathe it hurts to live."

"Shepard wouldn't have wanted you to live your life suffering for him. Is very early yet, but give yourself a little time I'm sure the pain will pass."

But Kaidan wasn't so sure, he knew of his deficiency. Who would want a man who couldn't go to bars because of his headaches, and some time he had to spend up to two days locked in his quarter, for his migraines.

"Thank Joker." Kaidan was able to calm himself down. "Please, don't feel guilty John loved you like a brother."

"I don't guarantee anything, but I'll try. You know, I also miss the Commander, his jokes ... I don't think I will be able to adapt to another commander."

"Yes ... John was unique Joker."

"Maybe, if some day you got promote to Commander-"

"I don't know yet. My life is a mess now, but as you say only time will tell...

* * *

_John rolled over and threw an arm into Kaidan's face._

_"Oh."_

_He opened one eye, stretched up and kissed him. "Sorry."_ _John said he still was not used to sleeping accompanied._

_He smiled sleepily. "You're forgiven." He paused and looked over at him affectionately. "Of course, you're always forgiven."_

_John scrunched up his face at him. "Isn't it a little early in the morning to be saying such things? I haven't even gotten started with my day yet – lots of time left to prove you wrong."_

_He chuckled lightly. "Never. So, what do you want to do today?"_

_John pretended to consider the question. "Well, I guess we could kill some Geth. Toss some Geth into the sky. Map their traversal patterns in the dirt and play Geth Bingo on it. Snack on some energy bars. Kill some more Geth."_

_John grumbled. "Of course, we have to find some first."_

_"Have faith." He leaned over and kissed him again, longer and deeper. After a moment John pulled away, albeit reluctantly._

_"You have to stop that. If you aren't out of here in the next – "John glanced at the clock – "fifteen minutes, you'll be too paranoid someone will see you leave and you'll be stuck in here all day. I'll have to pretend to organize a search party."_

_He sighed and sunk back into the pillow. "Do you think anyone knows?"_

_"Well, Joker knows, and he does have a big mouth – but I threatened to break both his legs if he told anyone. I was very convincing. Garrus knows, but he's safely back at the Citadel fighting injustice. Anyone else? I honestly don't know." John kissed him softly. "But you're stalling. Shower. Go. Now."_

_He crawled out of the bed and wandered towards the shower. He got halfway before stopping and turning back to him, an eyebrow raised._

_"Come with me?" Kaidan asks John, looking at him with lust_

_John eyes narrowed and he looked at him suspiciously. "But that will defeat the purpose."_

_"Not if we do things in the right order." Kaidan said huskily._

_John couldn't help but grin and roll his eyes in mock exasperation. "Okay."_

_After that shower and already dressed, Kaidan grabbed John around the waist. "John I... I love you."_

_"Kaidan I-"_

_John could not finish the sentence because the ship moved abruptly_

_The ship shuddered violently and sparks flew from the panels around them._

_John activated the official "We're Fucked – Abandon Ship!" siren while Kaidan continued to try in vain to put out the closest fire._

_"I need to you get the crew into the evac pods while I get Joker."_

_He didn't turn from the fire. "They're big boys and girls; they can get themselves in the pods. I'll help you with Joker, and we'll leave together."_

_"There will be injured – they'll need your help."_

_He threw the fire extinguisher to the side, finally admitting it was useless, and turned to him._

_"Shepard –"_

_"Kaidan, go. Now."_

_He stared at him for an infinite second, as if trying to convey a thousand feelings, emotions, through his helmet and his, to eyes he could barely see, before letting out a long breath and nodding._

_"Aye, aye." He turned and disappeared into the chaos._

* * *

Kaidan walked into his parents' house. The living room was empty but he could hear the noise from the kitchen. Kaidan headed toward the kitchen, her mother was at the stove. She couldn't see him, so Kaidan smiled watching her, her mother was a beautiful woman. "Mother."

Sonia turned around, "Oh my God son," she ran into his son arms. Kaidan hug her tightly, and then stayed awhile hugging her, "Mother is a joy to see you." S

Sonia Alenko pulled a little to look at his son, "me too, but we wasn't expecting you I thought you were on a mission ... way, Kaidan what's wrong?"

His mother knew him very well. His eyes became teary, "Mom something went wrong," Kaidan walked away from her letting out a sigh, "we were attacked. The Normandy went down along with," Kaidan had to take a deep breath, "along with my Commander." Kaidan said shakily, he still could not talk about that day without his voice shaking.

"Son, your commander is dead?"

"Yes," Kaidan said in a whisper looking at the floor.

Sonia approached his son lifting his head, "Kaidan something happened between you and your commander?"

Kaidan could not take any more. He hugged her tightly and let out his tears, "I loved him mom. We both love each other. I 'm broken mother the pain is killing me."

"Oh, son."

"I can't work, I can't do anything. I need you."

"I am here for you my son."

After a while, Kaidan calm down a bit. He and his mother sat in the dining room, his mother prepare a cup of tea for him while he was telling her how he started his relationship with his commander. Kaidan knew that if there is someone who could understand him without judging is his mother, his father Kaidan wasn't sure if I could understand him; his father was a man of principle. "So what do you going to do now?"

"I don't know I'm off duty for a while, so I wanted to stay with you. Where is Dad? "

"Your father is traveling, he does not return until next week."

Kaidan grabbed her mother's hand, "mom John saved my life, he didn't allow me to help him, and he died alone in space."

Sonia could see the pain on his son face, "then I'll be grateful forever."

"My life is meaningless now mom, you don't know what I'm going through, life has played a bad trick on me. I fell in love with a wonderful man, and for a while he makes me the happiest man in the world. Now all I can feel is a big emptiness inside me. "

"Kaidan, I can see the pain, and you, son, I'm so sorry."

"Mom, why me?"

"I do not know, all I know is that sometimes life can be very cruel, but if this can helps you I want you to know that I love you."

"It helps me more than you imagine mom. I love you too."

After talking a while with his mother Kaidan retired to his room for a while. His mother always kept him your room as he had left it. He leaned down on his bed staring at the ceiling. He did not have any idea of how to move forward. He could not stop repeating that damn day. He felt guilty, guilty for obeying him, he couldn't help thinking if he had stayed John maybe now will be alive, but he will never know that.

* * *

A few weeks later Kaidan was looking out the window of the room in his parent's house. Thinking what he would do now without John? He can't stop thinking about all those moments that the two lived together. He remembers the times that he secretly entered his cabin. For a while, they kept their relationship secret until Garrus, found them having sex in the Mako.

John made him happy, he didn't want a first, but he end up falling in love madly with John. His Commander gave him affection, treat him different. John didn't care about his migraines, on the contrary, when he had one, he spent the night giving him massages on his temple until he feels good.

In the arms of John, he felt human, and capable of forgetting for a moment his problem with his implants. Now who will make him feel like that again? "No one." Kaidan thought out loud. He closed his eyes he wanted to cry. Why, the he had to lost the only person he had ever loved? Why, fate had to be so cruel snatching the happiness of his arms? "John why?" He cry out.

Kaidan felt his bedroom door open, and quickly wiped away her tears.

"Son can we talk?"

"Yes dad," Kaidan looked at his father; in his hands he was bringing a six pack of beer. "Dad!

"What? You're not a child I know you drink and you and I need to talk."

"About what?" Kaidan asked his dad grabbing the beer that he was offering.

"About what is happening to you, and don't tell me you're Okay, you hardly eat or leave your room. Your mom and I are very concerned."

"Dad-"

"Son talks to me, please."

Kaidan took the bottle to his lips, his hands trembled. How to tell his father that he had fallen in love with his commander and that apart from everything John was a man, but the truth was that he needed to talk to someone. His father sat on the couch, which he had in his room, and then he sat on the bed. "Dad I," Kaidan sight, "I fell in love with ... a man."

"I see, son that doesn't bother me what I don't understand is why, you are like that? Where is he?"

"He ... he died," Kaidan said shakily.

"Son, you are not talking about your-"

"Yes, dad, my Commander," Kaidan saw the anger in his father's eyes. "Dad, please hear me out before you judge me."

"Okay."

"I know you always told me that have a relationship with someone who works at your side wasn't good, and I didn't want to, believe me. Whenever I looked at John, I thinking of your words, but more that I try I could not help falling in love with him."

"The he corresponded to you?"

"Yes dad," Kaidan could not help the sob that came from his lips. His father got up sitting beside him. "Dad ... I'm so broken."

"I'm so sorry my son." David grabbed his son in his arms.

"Forgive me dad, if I let you down, but I don't regretted because John made me happy. He care for me, he didn't care about my migraines. He's saved my life dad to die alone. Every night I repeat that day over in again. Dad I want to die ... I can't stand the pain. "

"Listen to me son," David grabbed his son cheeks, "you have a mother who loves you, and I love you too, you can't think like that, think of us."

"I do dad, that is why I have not committed a folly, but I need help."

"And you'll have it, we'll help you just hold on, and you don't let me down -however, you helped your Commander to catch Saren, and in my eyes, my son, you are a hero to me."

Kaidan felt a huge weight lifted from his shoulders, his father understood him, now he just had to heal from the inside, which he knew would be difficult, but with the help of their parents would be less painful.

"Dad I really surprised by your understanding, I thought you were not going to understand me."

"My son, I love you, I can't be angry with you, just because you fell for whom perhaps you should not have fell for, but for what your mother told me, your Commander saved your life, and like your mother I'll be eternally grateful to him."

"Dad, Anderson spoke to me, he wants to know when I can come back, but I do not know what to do. Maybe I should see a psychologist I don't know."

"Sometimes working helps, a psychologist can also help. Any decision that you make we will right here to support you."

"Thank you dad."

* * *

The days went slowly for Kaidan, after spending months in his parents' house trying to recover Kaidan went back to his apartment. This time the pain was less, but it was still there the only difference was, that now he had adapted to live with that pain. He checks his messages. His friends had left him messages. He headed to his bedroom, toward the bed leaning on it looking at the ceiling.

Before come back to his apartment, he went by Anderson's office to let he knows the he was ready to return to work. Yes, that was what he needed, to thrown himself to work, that will distract him. Despite having learned to live with the pain, there wasn't day that Kaidan didn't think about John.

His parents gave him encouragement; they made him understand that John wouldn't have wanted the he wasted his life mourning for his dead. "Hey Commander, if you listening I still love you I will never stop, but I have to move on. I'll never fall in love again. Nobody ever resembled you." Kaidan didn't felt the cold breeze that he felt before, feeling more alone than ever.

Kaidan called his friends, and they agreed to meet at the Citadel, they say they have someone to introduce him. He did not want to meet anyone new, but a friend is always necessary. After taking a bath, and dress properly, he headed to the door before I left he gave a look at his apartment, and let out a sigh.

When he enters the restaurant where his friends were waiting for him, Kaidan approached them, greeting them all.

"Kaidan, this is Doctor Michael."

Kaidan stared at the man for a moment, and then he extended his hand to him, "nice to meet you."

The Doctor looked at him intently, and then squeezed his hand tightly, "The pleasure is mine."

They sat, and his friends got up. Where are you going? "

"Oh, this is a dinner for two Kaidan enjoy," His friend David whisper in his ear.

Kaidan looked at Michael with surprise in his face. "Do you Knew about this trick? "Michael put his hands in front, "no! Told me that all we were going to dinner, I was not coming, just got out of work, but was told that there was someone who wanted to know me, someone handsome."

"I don't ... I'm going to kill David."

"So I guess, then the detail that someone wanted know me that was a lie but about you're being handsome," Michael gave him a look, "in that details they, fell short you are hot."

"It had been a long time since the last time he blushed as he was now. "Well, they told me that there was someone who they one wanted to introduce to me, but they didn't tell me that you were so handsome."

Michael smiled." I guess we both agree that we are good looking, so why we don't enjoy this meal, which is paid anyway I'm hungry. Today I had a busy shift at the hospital I could not eat all day."

"You're a Doctor?"

"Yes."

"Interesting," Kaidan said, between a doctor and a soldier they had something in common, they were used to seeing people die. A moment later they ordered, and began to talk. The Doctor was charming and very funny.

"You are soldier; maybe you can teach me how to shoot a gun."

Kaidan laughed, "funny."

No, it's not a joke. the other day I was robbed, and I buy a gun to protect myself, but I don't know how to pull the trigger," Michael saw him laugh out loud," hey, it's not funny, it's a shame. "He could not help laughing too.

"Oh ... God is hilarious, maybe I can teach you to pull that trigger. Now tell me, how such a charismatic man like you is still single? "

"My job takes a lot of my time, plus I had never met anyone as handsome as you."

"Thank you."

"My friends told me that you lost someone very important in your life." Michael saw his smile fade, "I'm sorry I didn't want to bring bad memories."

"They are not bad memories, however that person made me very happy, it's just that, still really hurts his absence."

Michael leaned on the table and grabbed his hand, "listen I lose a lot of people, and there are times I have to provide comfort to their family, I'll tell you the same thing I tell them. You'll never forget him, but you will get use to his absence, believe me, you will feel better."

"Thanks Michael."

A while later they left the restaurant. Michael accompanied him to his shutter. "Kaidan can I see you again?"

"Yes I will leave my information."

They exchanged information. Michael approached him and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "it was worth the lie of our friends. I'll see you soon." Kaidan watched him leave while he took his hand to his cheek smiling. "Likewise."


	2. Trying to move on

**This chapter is brand new.**

_"No, John Shepard, and don't look at me like that, because it will not work," Kaidan said crossing his arms, giving a look at the Tattoo shop. John wanted them to tattoo their initials on their asses. _

_John approached him, lifting his chin with his finger, "really baby, are you going to say no to your commander?" _

_"John don't use that tone on me I told you it won't work." Whenever his commander wanted something from him, he looking at him with love, and spoke softly, but challenging at the same time. _

_John brought his lips to Kaidan's ear, "I'll let you fuck me."_

_Kaidan felt his face redden. John was always the one the fuck him, but he had never done it to him, and he was dying to do it. "John, that's cheating!"_ _Kaidan said, unable to avoid the smile on his lips._

_ John pulls away from him laughing. "In war and love anything goes. Then my love we are going to enter the store yes o no?"_

_ "Shit ... John Shepard, you always get your way, okay let's go."_

_"As should always be." _

_The two entered the store, and within minutes, they were facing down in different seats, looking at each other while their asses were being tattooed. Kaidan could see the joy in his Commander. Those free days, they were enjoying them intensely. John was charming and homey to his surprise. His commander like it ordering pizza and watching movies together, and takes pictures of them all the time. John extended his hand toward Kaidan, which Kaidan, grabbed, "thanks for please me."_

_"Like I said you'll always get your way."_

_A while later they entered his apartment. Kaidan look at John intently for a moment, his commander, could not stop smiling. "I want you in our bed lying face down immediately Commander Shepard."_ _Kaidan said trying not to smile, but it was impossible while seeing the charming smile of his Commander_

_ John puts his hands in front smiling, "Woo Lieutenant you are giving me an order?"_

_"I have a fucking tattoo with your initials on my ass, Damnit right I'm giving you an order Commander Shepard, so what you're waiting for, obey right now?" _

_John grabbed him by the waist attracting his lieutenant towards him. "You turn me on madly when you give me orders Lieutenant," John kissed him hard, before releasing him. "I'll be waiting in our bed Lieutenant Alenko, doesn't make me wait."_

_ Kaidan saw him go to his bedroom he couldn't stop smiling, he was crazy and madly in love with this man. John Shepard had managed to change him to the point of let someone tattooed his ass. He headed to the kitchen opened the fridge taking out the whipped cream, and the strawberry tonight he was going to have the best desserts he ever had, his Commander ass._

* * *

Kaidan finished dressing in his apartment. Today was his thirty-three birthday. The only gift he wanted was to be with his beloved John, but he knew that it wasn't going to happen. After looking at himself at the mirror he let out a sigh, and his eyes filled with tears remembering how many times while he looked at himself in the mirror, John used to hug him from behind kissing his neck, and tells him how crazy he was about him, he miss that, he miss to hear his voice. Sometimes he listened to the videos, they took together in their apartment, but it wasn't enough. He misses his laugh, his tone of anguish, or anger. He misses the man.

He shook his head trying to clear those thoughts from his mind. Tonight he was going to live a little, or at least try. Michael and he had been dating for two months now, and in spite of the fact that they had not had intimacy, yet they had a good time together. Michael looked a lot like John; the two were bold, with an open mind, charmers, and loving. Tonight Michael invited him to have dinner at his apartment, and Kaidan knew where the two ends up, in bed, or at least that is what Kaidan want.

Yes, Kaidan needed to feel something other than the pain that consumed him daily, forget for one night this man who he was still madly in love, plus he knew Michael wanted him in the way he look at him the last time they were together. Kaidan could see the desire in his gaze toward him, or in the words with double meanings that Michael used to tell him.

Kaidan came out of the bathroom to the kitchen to get the bottle of wine that Michael asked him to bring when his onmitool blinked. It was a live call from his mother.

"Happy birthday my baby."

"Mom does not call me baby." His mother always treated him like he was a five years old boy.

"You'll always be my baby. Tell me, what you're going to do today?"

"I'm going to have dinner with a friend in his apartment."

"A friend!"

Kaidan looked the astonished face of his mother because his mother knew how much he had suffered for his Commander dead. "Well we are a little more than friends, Michael and I have been dating for two months. Michael is a Doctor; he had been very good and attentive with me."

"That sounds like you really like that man son."

Kaidan had never lied to his mother. However, her mother and he had a very close relationship. He adored her because her mother was a fighter, and she always had given him lots of love, and understanding. "Yes mom I like Michael, but I can't forget John," Kaidan said with sadness.

"I don't think you ever going to forget him my son, but at least give yourself a chance to be happy with someone else."

"I'll try mom."

"Okay, hey, you're coming tomorrow? Your dad and I want to see you and give you your present."

"Yes."

"Bring your friend."

"I'll try he works a lot, but I will ask him. I love you mom. "

"I love too son. I send you a kiss and a hug. "

Kaidan end the call. Then grab the bottle of wine, then headed out. It turns out that Michael and he didn't live very far from each other. Michael lived in the same neighborhood, but of the highest class. His apartment was luxurious, in accordance with the salary of a doctor, especially when he was one of the best doctors in his field.

After a few minutes, he arrived in Michael's apartment. The Doctor received him with a radiant smile. "Good night Michael."

Michael grabbed him by the waist giving an intense kiss. It was the first time he did, and to his surprise he wasn't rejected. "Happy birthday handsome."

"That was my present?" Kaidan said, savoring his lips, which incidentally had a taste of exquisite wine.

"No, the greatest gift I'll give it to you later. Coming let's go to the kitchen I'm not finished yet."

Kaidan followed him into the kitchen and sat at the counter while he finished cooking. Kaidan couldn't deny how handsome Michael looks tonight in black. He was tall, with black hair and brown eyes like him. He was sexy, but not like John was. "Kaidan stop comparing him with John," he thought.

"Tell me how do you feel today, the last time we met you were very melancholy."

"I'm fine." The last time they were together, he had gone to the cemetery before visiting John's grave

"Really?"

Kaidan stood from his chair and approached him grabbing his waist, " yes really," he replied moving his hand forward, bringing his body towards Michael's listening to him let out a sigh.

"Kaidan -"

"You smell good Doctor," Kaidan said kissing his neck tonight he was determined to have fun, to be different. To stop suffering even for one night

Michael turns around to meet his lips. They shared a kiss more intense than the previous one. He put his arms around Kaidan's, and for a while they were lost in that kiss.

"Kaidan," Michael muttered.

"Yes," Kaidan didn't want to stop kissing him.

"If we don't stop now, the dinner will have to wait," Michael said feeling his body on desire.

Kaidan broke the kiss laughing, "You're right. I better move away." Kaidan got back to the chair. He watches him try to compose himself, but, not before he looking down at his pants. "Michael you have problems?"

"You ... You are bad," Michael said, before pulling his shirt out of his pants. He then served a glass of wine to Kaidan. "Kai Damnit you turned on."

"Then I suggest you finish your cooking, to move to something better," Kaidan said smiling flirting with him, then he saw him return to the stove. Michael was preparing steak, his favorite food, and John's. He could not help thinking about him again. The first anniversary of his death would be in a week, the Alliance has prepared a ceremony in his honor, and Kaidan wasn't sure to go. He didn't want to see his old friends, he only wanted to forget, and Michael was his ticket to happiness again, at least that it was what he was saying to himself. After a few minutes, the two sat down at the table.

"This is delicious Michael," Kaidan said surprised how delicious dinner taste.

"I 'm glad you like it. I don't have much time to cook; I have been eating at the hospital. "

"You've had a lot of work this week?" Kaidan ask him, he had called him several times, but he wasn't available.

"Yes, but I could take the day off tomorrow. I would like it to spend it with you if you let me."

"My parents want me to go to dinner tomorrow at their house; you want to go with me?"

"Sure I would love to Kaidan."

After the dinner both moved into the living room. Michael gave him a chain with a pendant in the form of at K, by his name. "You should not bother Michael, but this beautiful." No one other than his parents, and John, had given him something.

Michael opened the string, putting it on his neck. "It looks nice on you," Michael said.

Kaidan drank from his glass trying to hide the sadness that he was really feeling right now to think that if, John hadn't died right now he would have been the one who had given him that gift. "Michael thanks you for this beautiful night."

Michael approached him grabbing his glass of wine to put it down. "You deserve. Kaidan you know how much I like you, and I think the kisses we shared today have given me to understand that you like me too."

Kaidan touch his cheek, "yes. It would be too much to ask you, that tonight you helped me to forget," Kaidan ask him, unable to avoid the sadness in his voice. As much as he wanted to take John out of his thoughts he could not do it.

"You still love him a lot?"

"Michael -"

"Just tell me the truth."

In those moments, Kaidan couldn't avoid the tears. He can't deceive himself it was John whom he wished to be touching, or looking, but he was dead. "Yes," then Michael grabbed him by the hand lifting him from the couch and taking him to his room. Kaidan had never been in his room. It was very organized. The bed was large. Say that the room was elegant fell short. He saw his doctor put on music, and light some candles, perfuming the room with a smell of vanilla, Michael then approached him grabbing his chin.

"Are you sure, I can wait."

Kaidan closed the short distance between them. "Yes, besides, you owe me another gift." It was now or never thought Kaidan, a step towards a future without the man he loves.

"Yes, I do," Michael laughed before kissing him intensely.

Kaidan responded with the same intensity but with more urgency to the kiss. It had been almost one year ago since the last time he felt so much desire as now. When Michael removed his shirt and touched his bare chest he moaned, feeling his warm hands caressing his chest. After that, he wanted to feel Michael's naked body with urgently. Quickly between the two of them undressed. In now on the bed Kaidan look at him carefully, Michael was more handsome than he thought. He climbed on top of him.

Michael put his hand over the back of his head kissing him, turn him around as quickly stay on top of Kaidan's. "Handsome, you're so fucking handsome Kaidan," he said kissing him.

Kaidan felt his erection brushing his own, and then he lowers his hand to his cock rubbing it fast, listening to him moan it felt so good to feel again. "Michael touch me, I need to feel your hands," he asked him, he wanted to feel someone's hand other than his own giving him pleasure.

"Wait, Kaidan not so fast. It had been too long since the last I have sex," Michael said grabbing his hand. "Do it gently."

"Oh, Michael don't tell me you can't last long, oh, what a disappointment," Kaidan said laughing.

"Oh, fuck you."

"Well, I'm counting on that."

"You're lovely, turn around." Kaidan did. Michael started to kiss his back slowly down to the bottom of his back. "Kai you have a Tattoo on your ass?"

"Yes, it wasn't my idea to do it." He told him that John was of the idea.

"You can tell your commander Kaidan was a very possessive man," Michael said biting his ass.

"Ah ... Yes he was... Michael doesn't talk about him please."

Michael continued caressing and kissing his body slowly until neither could take it anymore. "Today Kaidan is your birthday, and then you have the honor, fuck me."

After Michael point out at him where the lubricant was, Kaidan looking for the bottle then come back, and while watching him straight in the eye he daub lubricant on his cock. He grabbed Michael's cock putting inside him, and then he lowers his body. "Oh... Kaidan," he moaned.

Kaidan began to move slowly at first, enjoying the sensation. It felt divine. Michael's ass felt good. He felt Michael's hand on his ass pushing him deeper inside him. "Damnit Michael ... Fuck it feels good."

"Move faster Kaidan ... Oh ... yes ... Shit like that ..."

Kaidan heard him moan uncontrollably in his ear, exciting him more than he was. He lift is a bit, looking at Michael grabbing his cock stroking himself fast. He picked him up by the legs moving faster and better. After a few minutes at the same intensity, Kaidan was about to cum. " Michael ! "

"Fuck Kaidan, yes ..."

They reached the orgasm together then Kaidan dropped his body on top of Michael's sweating and breathing hard. For a moment, neither of them said anything.

Kaidan lifted his face, seeking his lips kissing him this time more calmly, "you do not like?"

"Kaidan clearly yes I liked!"

"Why so quiet then," Kaidan stroke his cheek. The truth he was feeling good.

"I was thinking that you're a man of which I can fall in love madly, and that will not be good, you're in love with another man, and I don't want to suffer as I did once.

"Michael-"

"Long time ago, I was engaged to someone. Our relationship was going well, also my career, which began to take time from me, and we couldn't longer see us as before. One night I come to our apartment, and he was with another man."

"Michael I'm not like that, yes I'm in love with John, but he is no longer here with me, but if you have this fear, we can leave it up to here-"

"No!"

Kaidan sighing then he lower his head to his chest it was the first time in a while that felt alive, quiet, safe...

After that, they took a shower together, where they made love again this time calmer. Michael was a good lover that he could not deny. This time Michael made love to him, and it was perfect. He asked him to stay in his apartment for the night, and he accepted.

It was a bit strange to be cuddle up with another man than John on the bed watching TV, but he couldn't deny that he was enjoying it. At this time, he wasn't suffering as he had been doing all this time. Kaidan looked around the bedroom Michael had books on the desk that he had in his bedroom. It was curious he knew nothing about medicine; Michael began to tell him about his career as Doctor. How he started to become interested in his PhD. The joy he felt when he could save someone's life, and how he had to change his lifestyle from be a patty man to be one of the most prestigious doctors in his field.

Kaidan talk to him about his missions, how risky it was his military career, they talked for hours until they fell asleep. A few hours later Kaidan woke up startled in his arms.

"Kaidan what is wrong?"

"Sorry Michael, almost every night I have nightmares."

Michael snuggled him in his arms, "Tell me about."

"I always see my Commander floating in space choking from the lack of air, or burning ... it's bad," Kaidan said, shakily.

"Have you seen anyone about that?"

"Yes, there was a time I went to a psychologist, but nothing helps me."

"Calm down," Michael kissed his cheek," try to relax I'm here for you."

That helped those weren't the arms of the man he loves, but those arms felt good. Kaidan had understood that life had to go on.

* * *

The next day they went to his parents' house, where they spent a perfect day with them. His father remained pleased with Michael and his mother too, but as always she knew her son well. Kaidan went to the kitchen for a moment, and her mother followed him. Kaidan look at her trying to smile. "Mom does you like Michael?"

"Yes son, he it's a lovely man, but I see you are not happy, yes, I see you more relaxed, but I can see that you look pensive at times."

"Mom-."

"Son, I know you."

Kaidan let out a sigh he rubbed his forehead. "Mom I miss him. Yesterday I spend the night with Michael, and it was perfect, but this morning I missed him again, why I can't forget John mom?" Kaidan said almost on the verge of tears.

"Son, calm down you can't let Michael see you like that you will make him feel bad. I already told you that you'll never forget someone you loved so much, but you need to keep trying.

Kaidan hug her mother, "I miss his smile, the way he makes me forget the entire world. Mom why did he have to die? why mom?" Kaidan said crying in her mother's shoulder.

"Because life is complicated son, there are many good people in the world the leave us too early and, unfortunately, your Commander was one of them. You need to understand it, accept it and move on with your life."

Kaidan knew she was right. He was making it difficult to forget John constantly thinking about him or comparing it to Michael, but he's only was a human being, he does what he can. when he woke up this morning in Michael's arms, in silence while he was still asleep Kaidan couldn't avoid crying, remembering how John always wake him up with a kiss or how sometimes Kaidan open his eyes to see John standing half naked drinking coffee looking out the window, then John used to looked at him giving him one of his charming smile, then come back to bed to make love like crazy again

After a moment, he could calm down, and they come back to the leaving room. Michael looked at him, smiling, and he smiled back. His mother and father left them alone for a moment to pick up their jackets. They decided to go out to dinner at a new restaurant.

"Kaidan you were crying?"

Kaidan looked at the floor. "I'm Sorry."

"Look at me," Kaidan did, "Kaidan is okay I told you last night I'm here for you." they hug. "There's nothing that time can't heal. Let's enjoy the evening with your parents they are lovely people, especially your mother. "

"You're right," Kaidan pulls away from him the he composing himself. "Can In ask you something?"

"You can ask me whatever you want."

"Tonight can I stay with you again when we return?"

"Sure, but I'll have to leave early I have the first shift at the hospital, but you can stay in the apartment."

"Thank you for being so understanding with me Michael."

"Do not mention it; last night was an unforgettable night for me."

Kaidan slowly stroked his cheek, " for me too."


	3. Accepting the reality

**After one year, Kaidan spite of being with this wonderful man, yet he was still struggling with John's death**

**Kaidan speech made me cry**

Leaving the shutter toward the Alliance building Kaidan looked at Michael for a moment, which had been kind to take time off from work to accompany him. He didn't want to enter, he didn't want to see his old friends they will bring many memories, but he owed to John. Anderson also wanted him to say a few words in honor of his Commander. The relationship between Michael and he was going well, in spite that the two could not see each other all the time, for his work and his own. He had been promoted to Commander, so he had to leave to do some ground missions for time to time, but Michael was very understanding. He grabs Michael's hand, "thank you."

"Don't thank me, you need me, and I'm here for you."

"You are a wonderful man," Kaidan said smiling at him. He does not know what would have been of him now if, he had not met Michael. Surely I would be now in his apartment drinking, and crying for John.

Michael stroked his cheek gently. "No, you are. Now let's go inside."

When they entered the room, the first thing Kaidan saw was the bigger picture of John Shepard in his uniform. Kaidan stopped short and stared at the picture. He looked into John's eyes, those blue eyes that he misses so much. He doesn't know how much time he was left standing there looking at the photo, or that he was crying until he tastes his tears on his lips.

"Kaidan -"

"I can't be here," Kaidan said turning around and walking out the door. Outside his hands began to shake a little. He took a deep breath, and then he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Michael."

"Kaidan you're okay?"

"I can't do this. Let's go." He felt that it was too much for him. That he was going to lose control in front of all.

"No!"

"Michael you do not understand-"

"No, you're wrong, I understand you perfectly. I know you still madly in love with this man, and it hurts you to be here."

"Michael -"

"Do you think I have not heard you crying in the mornings? I know who do you miss when you wake up, I can see it in your eyes, but I can't get angry because you've always been honest with me; also I know how hard it is to forget the person you love."

"Please let's go Michael," Kaidan said looking at him with his eyes blurred with tears.

"No, Kaidan you need to face reality. Shepard is dead, and you need to get in there and deal with it, so you can move forward, or you are going to run away every time you go to a place and see his photo, or hear his name."

Kaidan stared at Michael analyzing his words, he was absolutely right. He could not keep running away from reality. As much as he wanted it to be not true, the sad reality was John Shepard was dead. "Okay, but first," Kaidan approached him, and kissed him. He needed that kiss right now, to return to the reality of his life. A life without the man he was still loving, and wishing dearly. "Now we can get in." Kaidan said smiling. Michael always had the right words at the right time.

"Well, after that kiss now I'm the one who wants to leave." Michael achieves what he wanted with those words, seeing him smile. "Mission accomplished, let's go inside."

Now calmer Kaidan could enter the room with Michael. He saw the others, who looked at him curiously, after seeing him accompanied by Michael. Kaidan greet them faster he can't bear to talk to them now, before his speech. He sat down with Michael. The ceremony was beautiful as always Anderson said beautiful things about John. Kaidan could see the sadness in Anderson's eyes when talking about him.

Joker then said a few words and Kaidan could still feel guilt in those words. For more that he had tried to tell him not to feel guilty, yet he knew Joker was suffering, for his disobedience of that day. Joker love John as a brother. Even though his commander was a hard man, he could earn the respect of all.

Then it was his turn to speak. Kaidan didn't have a paper or note; he knew exactly what to say, but not really what he meant. Before speaking he looked at Michael, who nodded in a symbol of support for him. That gave him courage to look them all for a moment before starting. They had changed a bit since the last time they were together in John's funeral. Liara looked more grown-up. Joker more serious and Garrus, well Garrus was still the same as always. Anderson looked a bit more beaten, you could tell that John's death had affected him much.

"It's been one year since we lost our Commander," Kaidan look at the picture for a moment smiling sadly, "Shepard was more than my Commander; he was ... a great friend. It had been one year, but it seems like yesterday, because we all still miss him. We miss his advice, his anger, and his orders. Recently I was promoted, and partly I owe much to my commander, for everything that I learned after working alongside with him," Kaidan paused to control the tremor in his voice. After a moment, he could go on, but he could not help the tears that fell from his eyes after looking again at the picture. In this photo John was smiling, with that charming smile that he missed daily. "It may take a thousand years, and you will never be forgotten Commander Shepard, I will never forget you. You will always be our hero; you'll live forever in our hearts. Wherever you are if, you're looking down at us all, thank you if, not for you we would not be here right now. My mom told me the other day something very true, there are so many good people that are going ahead of time, and you were one of those people. I just hope that where you are you found the peace that you deserve commander. "

Kaidan return next to Michael who grabbed his hand. He had to bite his lips to control the tremor in them; he squeezed tightly Michael's hand. He was on the verge of losing control. A fucking year and John death still hurt like hell. After the ceremony, Liara approached Kaidan.

"Kaidan, can I talk to you alone?"

"Excuse me a moment Michael," Kaidan said.

"I'll do him some company," Garrus said.

Kaidan turned away from them with Liara. "How you're doing Liara?"

"A little hurt with you. I called you, and you don't answer my calls," Liara said angrily.

"Excuse me Liara, you all bring back many memories of a life I want to forget," Kaidan said sadly. They were very good friends, but there was a time in which he felt jealousy about her, thinking that John was interested in her.

"I've been worried about you, but I see you're fine," she said looking at Michael. "Do you have a relationship with him?"

"Yes."

"Why? I thought you loved Shepard?"

Kaidan did not like the tone of reproach in her voice. "I did, and still love him, but Shepard is dead, I'm not ... I need to live, and get out of this hell I live without him."

"He's not dead!"

"What?"

"I mean, he will always be alive in us, you can't forget him."

Kaidan rubbed his forehead, he wasn't getting Liara attitude. "Liara I just said I'll never going to forget him. John will always be part of my life, but I need to move on, and Michael is indicated for me to-"

'No! Kaidan listen there are many things I want to tell you, but I can't tell you right now'. I can only ask you not to give up on Shepard, don't stop loving him, and don't continue you relationship with that man."

"Liara what you're saying doesn't make sense to me, and I will not leave Michael," Kaidan said firmly and confused with her words.

"Okay then, you'll regret it," Liara said before walking away from him.

Kaidan just stood thinking for a moment; he could understand what she wanted, and the nonsense that she had just asked. He saw Joker approached him.

"Hey how you're doing Joker?"

"Just doing, I see that you're better."

Kaidan looked to Michael for a moment, "do not tell me you're going to be angry at me like Liara because I'm trying to move on with my life."

"Oh, not at all Kaidan, it's just that I'm surprised. I know how much you love Shepard."

"I still love him." He clarified quickly

"I miss him Kaidan. Whichever you said is true. We All miss his tantrums, or his sarcasm, the man was a hard ass, but an excellent commander. Your speech hit the spot; you expressed how we all truly feel."

"Thank you and yes, he was an excellent commander," Kaidan said sadly. "What are you doing now?"

"Piloting when the Alliance needs me, or doing paperwork. One of those day we can get together to remember old times."

"Sure, I would love to."

"Okay I'll call you them. Take care Kaidan."

"You too, Joker."

After a moment, he got back with Michael and Garrus.

"How you had been Kaidan?"

"I feel much better, and how you had been Garrus?"

"Good. I like your friend. "

Kaidan grabbed Michael's hand, "he is more than a friend," Kaidan said meeting with Michael's loving gaze towards him.

"I'm happy for you Kaidan, you deserve to be happy. Well I have to go. Kaidan I'll be out for a while I have some business in Omega to solve, I'll see you soon. "

"Take care Garrus."

"You too, take care yourself."

"Michael let's go."

"Do you want to go out for dinner honey?"

"Yes, but in your apartment I have a headache."

"Okay come on, I'll take care you."

A while later they entered Michael's apartment. Kaidan had previously brought some clothes to keep over there because he had not wanted to take Michael to the apartment that he shared with John, out of respect for him. As Michael preparing some dinner for them he went to the bedroom to change his clothes, then he takes his pills. He leaned on bed for a moment, as always letting his memories run free.

* * *

_Kaidan awoke to the sound of the flash of the camera; he looked backwards, and quickly turned around, finding the lustful gaze of his commander. "John Shepard please doesn't tell me you just took a picture of my ass."_

_"Yes I did my beloved Lieutenant. Your ass looks sexier now with my initials on it."_

"_John Shepard gives me that camera right now," Kaidan said trying to grab the camera from his hand._

_"No!"_

_"Commander Shepard!"_

_"Yes, Lieutenant."_

_"Delete that picture." Kaidan began to struggle with him trying to takes the camera from him, then he tumbling into bed with him._

_John as always over power him getting on top of him. "I will not give you the camera, but I'll give you something out," John said, lowering his hand to his cock rubbing in Kaidan's stomach._

_"John it wasn't enough for you with last night?" Kaidan said smiling. John Shepard was driving him crazy. He wanted those free days never ran out. The happiness he was feeling now it did not compare to anything he had experienced before._

_"Last night you abused my ass, now it's my turn."_

_"I... Hey it was only fair after that your tattoo your initials on my ass."_

_"Well, like that you understand who is owner, plus I have your initials on mine. So you are going to please me?" John did not wait for an answer. He lowers his lips to Kaidan's kissing him intensely._

_Kaidan put his hand back of John's head in response to his kiss, "John," he muttered between his lips._

_"Yes baby," John replied while kissing him. _

"_What will we do today?" Kaidan asks him._

_"What ... Do you want to do?" John replied, stretching his hand to reach the bottle of lubricant, and condoms on the nightstand _

_"Let's go dancing."_

_John stop kisses him to look at him, "really."_

_"Yes, why do you wonder?" Kaidan said biting his lips._

_"You don't like that we show together at public places I do not care you know that, my relationship with you is not a game."_

_Kaidan looked at him with love, yes it's true, He didn't like that they were showing themselves much at public places, by the fact that John was his commander, and he didn't want John to lost his post because of him, but John had behaved so wonderfully with him those days_ _and he knew that his commander would like the two of them to go out together as couples, that he wanted to please him. "You deserve it. You're going to spoil my love?"_

_John smiled. "You know I'd do anything for you. You still don't finish understanding Lieutenant Alenko; that I'm crazy about you. " _

_"You are very crazy about me Commander Shepard?"_

_John looked at him seriously, "I had never felt something for someone else as I'm feeling for you. I feel that, without you, nothing would make sense to me."_

_Kaidan felt his eyes fill with tears after hear those words, "I could not be without you either. Commander Pleases never leave me." John kissed his cheeks slowly wiping his tears." I'll never, never leave you, I belong to you. "_

_A few hours later Kaidan was finishing getting ready in the bathroom as he looked himself in the mirror, when John appeared behind watching him intently, then John stood behind him then grab him by the waist._

_"You look very handsome," John said place a kiss on his neck._

_"Just for you."_

_"You know I'm crazy about you."_

_"Yes, and I for you. You look very handsome too."_

_They left the apartment to the club. Kaidan knew his commander wasn't a good dancer, but they had been practicing in the apartment when they heard music. Definitely Kaidan was amazed by his commander. He never thought that he could be so loving, and care with him. When they are sleeping John always snuggled in his arms, and now watching him dance, definitely there was nothing of Commander Shepard tonight, just an ordinary man._

_They spent a very pleasant hour drinking. Kaidan knew he had drunk a little too much, but he did not care. He just wanted to hang out with the man he loves. Suddenly he saw a woman standing beside them._

_"You are Commander Shepard?"_

_"Yes," John replied cordially._

_"Woo, you look more handsome in person than in the VI."_

_Kaidan looked at the woman without saying a word, and then looked at John, who was blushing. For a while, the woman continued to flirting with him._

_"How such a handsome man like you still single?" She said waving her hand toward John's cheek._

_That was the straw that broke the camel for Kaidan. He grabbed the woman hand_ _gently she was a lady after all. "He's not single."_

_"Excuse Me what you just say to me?"_

_"What you hear. Do not touch him, he's not single."_ _Kaidan said trying not to raise his voice, if he had been a man I would have already hit him for being bold, but because she was a woman he held back. _

_"And who are you?"_

_"I'm his boyfriend, so I suggest you turn around and take your beautiful body the way you came. This man is mine," Kaidan said before lure John toward him and kiss him intensely. Kaidan hear the women call him stupid before leaving them. Kaidan broke the kiss. _

_"Baby that was hot," John says amazed at jealousy of his lover. _

_"You were flirting with her John Shepard!"_

_'No... No... Baby, I was being polite, "John said, smiling radiantly. _

_"Polite my ass. I do not believe you, you were flirting with her. You were blushing," Kaidan said _ _jealous_

_John quickly grabbed him by the waist, "baby don't you know I only have eyes for you," John kissed with demand. "I am only yours," he muttered between his lips, "but... I can't deny that she was beautiful ..." Kaidan bit his lips hard. "Shit baby, I was just joking," John said laughing. _

_"Not funny. Well, you're right she was beautiful."_

_"Hey!"_

_Kaidan kissed him quickly, the truth he did not judge the woman, his lover was handsome. John was tall, with black hair, and no matter what clothes he put on it, John always looked very elegant. "We're going to our apartment Commander."_

_"Yes baby, I have urgency."_

_"Oh God, I do not have to ask what it is. Commander you're a horny bastard." _

_John grabbed his hand departure heading for the exit. "It's your own fault for being so fucking handsome and sexy."_

_"So are you."_

* * *

"Kaidan."

"John ..." Kaidan opened his eyes, finding the sad look of Michael.

"No, sorry."

"Oh Shit Michael, I'm sorry."

Michael let out a sigh then sat on the bed with him. "Is okay."

"No!" Kaidan cry out angry, irritated and on the verge of tears again. A day like this a year ago he lost everything in his life.

"Kaidan today is a tough day for you, I understand."

Kaidan got up from the bed and looks at him," what you're made of Michael? I just called you by another man name, you shouldn't be angry with me."

"It's that is what you want Kaidan?"

"Damnit No, what I want is to forget and I can't!" Kaidan said desperately.

Michael stood up, and pulled him hugging him," Kaidan give it some time."

"Make love to me."

"No."

"Michael, please."

"Not while you're thinking of another man."

Kaidan abruptly pulls away from him, "goes the hell then." Kaidan shouted grabbing his jacket.

"Where are you going?"

"Far from here, I want to be alone." Kaidan said before leaving the room.

"No," Michael reaches him by grabbing his arm, "look at me Kaidan." Kaidan did. "It took me over a year to forget that person of which I speak to you, please don't despair, and don't go. It isn't that I don't want to make love to you, if you know I always wanted you, but isn't what you need now."

Kaidan took off the sweater and grabbed her hand. "I'm sorry."

"Is okay, we're going to dinner, and then we sat back to watch something on TV."

"Okay ..."

A while later Kaidan was with his head lying on his chest while Michael stroked his hair. He wanted to fall in love with Michael so bad. He was a wonderful man, why don't he have met him before.

He tries not to remember that day, "Michael."

'Yes.'

"What did you do to forget that man?"

"Focusing on my work, and my patients. Kaidan you need to be patient."

"With you, I feel good, calm, but when I'm alone I can't stop thinking about it, there are many memories."

"I will try to spend more time with you."

"I would love that ...

Kaidan could not believe that he had been lucky to find Michael. He gave him support, affection, attention. Michael was a wonderful human being. He could not understand how anyone could deceive him so weakly.

He lifted his head to kiss him tenderly, and then snuggled in his arms. Michael was right, he didn't need sex now. The only thing he needed was a bit of inner peace. He need to understand that it was too soon to forget, but no to continue trying. He started to remember Liara words, and he didn't quite understand why she said that. He felt she was hiding something from him, but he could not put his finger on it. He just hoped it was nothing bad.

"Kaidan."

"Yes."

"Shepard was your first relationship?"

Kaidan was left thinking for a moment before answering, "Yes he was."

"Well, it is more difficult to forget your first relationship, but, "Michael raised his head, "I only hope to be enough for you."

"You are. I already told you. By your side I find that inner peace that I need."

"That makes me happy I don't like to see you suffer Kaidan. Though, I can't deny that sometimes I feel jealous."

"You do not have to feel like that John is gone."

"Yes, but he occupies a big place in your heart. I only hope that someday, you can give me a space next to him."

"You already have Michael ..."

* * *

One week later Kaidan went to Huerta memorial hospital, looking for Michael. He had to wait a bit, but he saw him working with one of his patients it was nice to see him work. He had just arrived from one of his missions, and he was found with a number of messages from him. Kaidan had no time to warn him before living. He grabbed his shoulder he hurt in combat, and it hurt a lot, plus he had a bad headache.

"Kaidan I was worried about you. Where were you? "

Kaidan kiss his cheek, "I'm sorry I was sent on a mission, and I couldn't warn you."

"Something wrong with you shoulder?" Michael asks to see him grab it.

"Yes it hurt."

"Come with me I'll check you."

After a while, it turned out that he had dislocated his shoulder, and he can't move in a couple of days. After the hospital, they went to Michael's apartment.

"You will stay with me, and I won't take not for an answer."

"I was not going do so. You can pass me my pills I have a terrible headache." Kaidan asked him leaning back on the bed.

After a while, Michael leaned back beside him on the bed cuddling Kaidan in his arms. "I miss you."

"You might not believe me, but I miss you too."

"I'm glad. Now get some sleep. "

"Stay with me. You can turns the TV on if you want. "

"I did not sleep last night I had the night shift 'I'll sleep with you."

Kaidan felt his hands around his waist. He felt safe, and he felt sleep immediately.


	4. reunion

Kaidan thought that everything in his life had changed. One year had passed, and his relationship with Michael was stronger. He still loved his commander, but he no longer remembered him with so much pain, he had gotten used to the idea that he would never see him again. John had been dead for two years, and a few months. Life had already returned to normal for Kaidan. Now he no longer felt pain he finally starting to live again, or so he thought up to now that he had in front of him a ghost. When Anderson sent he to Horizonte he never told or given a hint of what he might find. Now Kaidan could understand Liara words the last time he saw her. Kaidan looked at John, who looked like his John, but very different. He'd lines on his face, he was also very pale. The blue of his eyes was now clouded with red dots inside them, but his eyes were looking at him with the same penetrate look, and full of love that John always gave him. Kaidan approached him; he could not help but hug him tightly. "I thought you were dead Shepard, we all did."

"You do not sound very happy to see me, something bothering you Kaidan?"

Kaidan pulls away from him; he could not believe his question. He could not help feeling angry. "Yes something is bothering me. I spent the last two years thinking you were dead," Kaidan approached him grabbing his hand again. "I thought we had something Shepard, something real," Kaidan let out a sigh, "I loved you. Think you were dead tore me apart. How could you put me thought that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why you didn't let me know you were alive?" Kaidan said angrily retreating back.

"I'm sorry Kaidan. I was clinically dead. It took two years to bring me back. I did try to contact you, but Anderson gave me no information besides so much time has passed, surely you've move on, or I hope not."

"I did move on. At least, I thought I did, but now we report about you, and Cerberus," Kaidan said sadly. His head was spinning out of control.

"Report? Mean you knew that already?" Garrus asked.

"Alliance intel thought that maybe Cerberus was behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip this colony maybe, was the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but they had rumors that you were not dead, which you were working to the enemy. "

"Cerberus and I want the same thing to save our colonies. That does not mean I answer to them." John said quickly try to making him understand.

Kaidan could not believe that John was saying that. If he recalled, John Shepard hated Cerberus. "You really believe that? Or is what Cerberus wants you to think?" Kaidan approached him, "I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance, You betrayed me."

"Kaidan, you know me. You know I only would do this for the right reason. You saw it yourself. The collectors are targeting human colonies, and they are working with the reapers!"

"I wanted to believe you, Shepard, but I don't believe in Cerberus. They may be using the threat of a reaper to manipulate you. What if they are behind it? What if they're working with the Collectors?" Kaidan tried to make him see some sense.

"Typical Alliance attitude. You're so hung up on Cerberus, which you can't see the real threat," Miranda said.

Kaidan looked her up and down, and then looked at John , unable to avoid jealousy.

"You're letting how you feel about our history get in the way of the facts. "

"Maybe, or maybe you feel that you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you are the one who is not thinking straight. You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, always will be. I have to report back on the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not, "Kaidan said turning to leave.

"I can use someone like you in my crew; Kaidan would be like old times."

"No, it will not. I never would work for Cerberus," Kaidan turn around to look at him, "good bye Shepard, and be careful." He only got to walk a second, when he felt a hand that turn him abruptly around. "Shepard -"

"You're not going to do this to me Damnit not you."

"Shepard, let him go."

"Miranda Shut your mouth you do not give me orders. Let me alone with him," John demands.

"But, Commander Shepard-"

"You don't fucking hear me, let me alone with him," John shouted.

"Shepard let's go of me. I got to go," Kaidan try let go off him, while he saw the woman walking away with Garrus. John didn't let go; instead he closed the distance between them, pressing his forehead against Kaidan's. "Don't do this. I can stand the rejection of another person but not your."

Kaidan attempt to get away, but he could not do it; he had no strength to fight with him. "Please Shepard let me go. I can't work with you, not while you're with Cerberus."

"Okay, I understand that, but tell me that there is still an Us!" John tries to kiss him.

"No," Kaidan manager to get away from him, he could not do that to Michael. "I told you I move on."

I don't accept, you ... Shit ... I want you back." John snapped

Kaidan approached him touching his cheek, his eyes blurred with tears like John's, "I... I have someone out now John he loves me, and-"

"Shut the fuck up Alenko," John shouted with his hands trembling with rage at those words. "You are mine."

"I was yours, but I'm not anymore, you left me Damnit, now I don't even know if this is you. My Commander never would work for Cerberus," Kaidan cry out.

"Who is that man you are dating?"

"Is none of your business!"

"It is my business I still care about you, and I know you too," John manage to grab him again, squeezing tightly, "do not leave me ... I need you Kaidan, Please I beg you. Don't destroy me like that."

Kaidan felt his heart sink to listen to his pleas. Kaidan looked him straight in his eyes, and he could see right through his eyes full of tears that his pleas were real; John was as desperate as he was at the time, but Kaidan had suffered too much for this man. "I'm sorry Shepard ... Goodbye ..." Kaidan walked away from him with his heart broken again, about to burst into tears. He don't look back, he could only listen to John, call him desperately.

* * *

Kaidan could send his report to Admiral Anderson before reaching his office. He still felt stunned about his encounter with John Shepard, if that really is his formal Commander. He didn't know whether to believe his words o no if he actually went to Anderson's office looking for him.

And Michael, "Oh God," Kaidan thought. That encounter with John let him doubtful. He can't believe that now that his life had returned to normal, John returning from death to stir his world. If that really is his John he would not be able to be without him, but he could not break Michael's heart, which had been an angel with him.

He walked into Anderson's office. Kaidan had much respect for the man, but now he had a great anger for having concealed the truth. "Anderson."

"Commander Alenko I just read your report."

"Tell me that was not Shepard on Horizonte."

"Sorry son, but it is Shepard Cerberus certainly brought him back. He came to me several weeks ago, seeking help from the Alliance, and the consuls, but my hands were tied, and I had to deny my help so the consuls."

Kaidan felt his legs beginning to fail him, and he had to grab a chair and sit down. He treat him so bad, despise him, and he was cruel to him. "He asked for me?" Kaidan asked shakily

"It was the first thing he asked me."

Kaidan raised his gaze to Anderson. He forgot all the respect he felt for that man after hear those words. "What did not you say anything to me!" Kaidan snapped.

"Son calm down."

Kaidan stood from the chair, "do not tell me to calm down, you don't know the things I yell at Shepard. You know very well what John Shepard means to me, and you hide it. You send me to Horizonte knowing that there was a very big chance to find me with Shepard. "

"I could not tell you anything Kaidan; I needed you to go with a clean mind, so you could give me your opinion. I want you to tell me if you think that Shepard is now with Cerberus."

Kaidan thought for a moment what to say. In Horizonte, he didn't believe in John's words, but now that he really knows, that the man he saw in Horizonte was John Shepard, he knew that John never would work for Cerberus. "I don't think so. After talking with you, now I believe everything Shepard said in Horizon. Shepard is working with Cerberus only for the sake of our colonies."

"Kaidan I know very well the history of you two, but I could not tell you anything believe me. Now that you have given me your opinion I feel much better. I also think Shepard is simply using the resources at hand. "

"Yes. You need me for anything else?"

"Not now. Hopefully when this is over, you two can fix their difference. Through your words, I can feel you still love Shepard."

If Anderson knew what those last words caused in him, now he felt lost again, not knowing which way to go. He left Anderson's office to his apartment, because right now he could not face Michael; Kaidan Alenko was struggling again with itself.

* * *

A few weeks later Kaidan felt the most evil man in the world. He had broken up with Michael, buggering his heart a second time. He tried to continue his relationship with him, but he could not do it. He asked him for a little time to clear his mine, but Michael was angry with him. Kaidan was left with no choice but to end his relationship with him.

_"I can't believe you do this to me Kaidan after I told you what happened to me with my ex."_

_'Michael gives me time to think-"_

_"No, after more than damn years with you, helping you, allowing you to call me by the name of another man, now you ask me time to know if you're going to stay with me or not. "_

_"I'm confused Michael, see John moved me inside."_

_"I love you Kaidan," Michael said in tears._

_"Michael I... I don't know what to say," Kaidan said looking at the floor. _

_"How about I love you Michael."_

_"Michael, I feel for you but-"_

_"Not enough to call it love. I understand, I never had a chance in your life." _

_"Don't say that, I'm just asking you only for a little time," Kaidan just wanted to clarify his feelings because he wanted Michael, but not in the same way that he wanted John._

_Michael grabbed his jacket, "take all the time you want Alenko, I'm out of your life.'_

_"Michael waits," Kaidan grabbed his arm._

_'Does not touch me, fuck you, go the hell, and take your Commander with you, who incidentally appeared in my apartment, threatening me, so I leave you."_

_"He did that?" That was the same John as always, a violent man, able to do anything to achieve his goal. "Please Michael does not go like that."_

_Michael looked at him angrily, "I told you I did not want to fall for you because of this, and now ... Damnit Kaidan, I fall for you like crazy, I... just ..." Michael could not go on as he could not hold the tears back._

_"I... I'm sorry Michael, Please forgive me."_

_"Goodbye Kaidan, I hope never to see you again, I will send the things you left in my apartment, but do not come back for me."_

Kaidan finished his drink paid and walked out of the bar to his apartment. He did not know where John was now that his mission had ended a few days ago. He knew for Anderson, the he had crossed Omega4 relay, and he survived, which he knew it would happen. Kaidan knew what his former commander was capable of.

He took a taxi to his apartment because he was very drunk to drive. All the way he didn't stop thinking about Michael. Kaidan wanted to call him to see how he was doing, but he knew that Michael would reject him, and he could not blame him, after what he did to him.

Kaidan got to his apartment. It was dark inside, but he heard a noise in his room, so he pulled out his gun, and headed towards the room finding John, lying on the bed watching TV.

"Damn John Shepard, I almost shot you. What the hell you are doing here?"

"I live here you forget. Where'd you coming from? I've been waiting for hours. Were you with your doc, what's his name ... oh yes ... Michael?" John said getting up from the bed approaching him.

Kaidan stepped back, putting his hands in front, "do not come near me. You're an asshole. You had no right to do what you did."

"I earned that right a long time ago, and I will not give more explanations. Whatever I did, I did for love end of the story. Now you're not going to give me a hug, or you're going to insult me like you did in Horizon."

Kaidan put his gun away. "Go the hell," Kaidan turned around.

John quickly stopped him, "I would not mind to go the hell if you are going with me."

"All really, that it wasn't what you thought when you ordered me to leave you, so you can go die alone," Kaidan said angrily pushing him.

"Well ... who's the asshole now? That was very cold, Commander Alenko."

"I'm Major now!"

"I see my death felt good to you, Commander, now Major, and dating one of the most prestigious doctors there over there. You want me to die again so you can continue the great life you have," John said sarcastically.

Those words took Kaidan out of control, and without thinking Kaidan punched him in the face. "You're a fucking bastard, I hate you."

John looked at him angrily, and he returned the blow sending him to the floor, "that was for what you did to me Horizonte, ungrateful bastard. I fucking save your life that day," John yelled at him.

Kaidan got up from the floor spitting blood from his mouth, and throwing himself over John, tumbling into bed with him. He hit him again and again. "I didn't ask you to save me you killed me that day." Kaidan yelled at him.

John grabbed his hand. "It doesn't seem like it, you were fine fucking another man." Kaidan tried to hit him again. "Stop I do not want to hurt you," but John was left with no choice but to apply his biotic on Kaidan, overpower him. He ended up on top of him.

"Let go of me, you have no right to come back to put my world upside down again. You do not know what my life was before I met Michael, and still being with him, I didn't stop crying for you fucking ass."

"Kaidan -"

"Michael was an angel with me, he loves me, and I had to break his heart by your own damn fault. Why the hell did you have to die? Why do you left me John Shepard? That day I would not mind dying by your side," Kaidan said in tears.

"Baby, please no ... don't cry ... I didn't want to leave you," John said releasing his hands, and wiping his tears. "You ... You were very cruel with me in the Horizon, and... I 'm here looking for you, I came to beg you to leave him to came back with me. Kaidan I love you. "

"Damnit, "it was the first time that John told him that he loved him," that's ... that's cheating!"

"It worked?"

"No, I'll have to hear it again," Kaidan said still in tears.

John smiled, and began to wipe his tears with kisses, "I love you, I love you, I love you."

Kaidan can't take any more, "I love you too," When John moved his lips to his, Kaidan didn't reject him, however, he responded to the kiss with the same intensity, or with more intensity. Kaidan didn't really know how much he missed his lips on his own so far.

"Uhm ... Baby."

Kaidan bit his lips softly, as he did before, then he started to unbutton his shirt. "I need you."

"I am yours ..."

Kaidan put his hands under his shirt, "John you hit hard."

"You hit me first."

"You deserved it. You don't think we should talk."

John looked at him seriously, "I'm fucking horny. I have not had anyone like you had."

"Damn John," Kaidan pushed him off.

"Kaidan!"

"I need a beer," Kaidan said, getting up from the bed.

"You do not think you have drunk too much already, come back here. Kaidan Pleases."

"No."

"Damnit," John is going to get up and grabs him by the waist, "you were with him in our apartment?" Kaidan turned around, "you know me well John Shepard, answers that yourself," Kaidan said looking at him seriously.

"No. I know you didn't. Kaidan, I can't be mad you, I know I was dead, and you had the right to rebuild your life, but I'm dying of jealousy. Michael makes you feel as I make you feel?"

Kaidan hugged him tightly, "No one is like you."

"Let's go back to bed, tomorrow we'll talk more, let me love you now as before."

"Okay, but there's something I want to see first. Take your clothes off."

Kaidan stayed watching him; while he undressed himself, "Turn back John." Kaidan, look towards his ass. "Where is your Tattoo?"

"Baby, it's a new body."

"Okay, guess where we going tomorrow."

"Really?"

Kaidan approached him, "really ..."


	5. Decisions

**Hey pepsilover138 you know the line that you will love about this chapter enjoy it.**

John awoke before Kaidan the next morning; he stayed watching him for a while, noting the necklace on his neck with a pendant in the form of the initial letter of his name. John was no fool, he knew that was a gift, and he knew who had given to him. He imagines that must have been a birthday present, which he could not enjoy with him. John felt terrible jealousy.

Kaidan opened his eyes meeting John's glare. "Love-"

"Take it off," John demanded.

"John not-"

John ripped the necklace from his neck then throw on the floor after that he got up from the bed putting on a shirt. "I going to the kitchen to prepare coffee," John said before leaving the room.

He knew he didn't have to be angry at Kaidan, he had every right to remake his life without him, he was angry with life. He had told no one, but he could not forget the painful way he died. The agony he suffered in those seconds or minutes before his death. When he woke up in that damn base, the first thing he thought was Kaidan not understanding where he was or why everything was still exploding all around him. No one can know what he feels. He's been dead for two fucking years; he had lost two years of his life, next to the man he loves.

"John," Kaidan calls him touching his shoulder.

"The coffee is almost ready," John said coldly.

Kaidan turn him around, "what was that with the necklace?"

"Michael's gift to you I do not want you to have anything from that man," John said tightly. One thing is to accept that the Doc. was part of his life, and the other thing was that he keeps things the remember him the Doc. all the time

"Last night you said you were not mad because I wanted to rebuild my life without you."

John hesitated for a moment before saying a word. "I'm not mad at you I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at the life. Kaidan Damnit, why did this happen to me? I lost two years of my life without you, two years that maybe you and I were now," John let out a sigh, "I don't know...maybe married." John turned around, and began to serve their coffee. "You love him Kaidan?" John asks him doubtful, worried, and confused.

For a moment, Kaidan didn't know what to say, he could see the sadness in his eyes. He knew more than anyone how possessive and demands John Shepard was which is his. "I didn't feel love, but I feel for Michael an immense affection-"

"Shut up-"

"You asked me John now listens to me. It was not easy for me to lose you, when I met Michael he was very good with me, and we began a beautiful friendship, after a couple of months I decided to give myself a chance with him because I thought that was what you had wanted."

John touched his cheeks trying to smile, "yes, it was what I wanted you to be happy, but Kaidan it hurts me. I loved you, and didn't even have the time to tell you. Please forgive me." Often he thought of telling him he loved him, but it was never the right time, those days they lived in their apartment served John, to understand the true feelings that he was feeling for Kaidan.

Kaidan hugged him tightly, "Oh Commander, you have nothing to ask forgiveness, you're the one that has to forgive me. I abandoned you. You were more than my Commander, you were everything to me I should have obeyed you that day."

"No, I didn't want anything to happen to you my love." Kaidan was the person he loved the most in the world, he died protecting him, and he would give his life for him again if necessary. Kaidan gave him what no one had given him before, love, respect, affection. Kaidan looked after him and always supported him throughout all. Kaidan wise silence when he needed someone who would listen only or always had the right words at the right time.

"Let's not waste it this second Chance the life gives us."

"You're right. Kaidan you know what I miss about you?" John said smiling.

"What."

"Your omelets." Kaidan knew how to prepare delicious cheese omelets, and he miss his cooking.

Kaidan shook his head. "Sit Commander I will prepare breakfast."

"Kaidan we have to go with Anderson he wants to see us." Anderson had sent a message early which was what woke him this morning.

"Okay, but let's had some breakfast first then we can leave."

John stared at him for a while, Kaidan had changed a lot. He now had gray in his hair he sensed that he was the reason of their gray hairs on his head, he looked stronger, more pronounced then the last time he saw him. He didn't want to imagine him with another man, just to think about infuriated him.

After horizon, he was hurt by Kaidan rejection, but the love he feels for him served to understand Kaidan's reaction, and to not hold a grudge against him. He waited impatiently to finish his mission. Although the Illusive man said it was a suicide mission, John promised himself to survive it to come back for what was his Kaidan.

"I love you Kaidan," John whispered looking at him with love.

Kaidan let out a sigh. He looks toward him; John looked tired and worried, "I love you too. You okay?"

"Yes, I worried about what Anderson has to say. In his message he says that the Committee had made a decision about me," John said worriedly. He had a feeling they would not forgive him for working with Cerberus, even though, he only did it for the right reason

"Hey I'll be with you, supporting you all the time."

"That's a relief." Knowing that this time he would have the full support of Kaidan, again, caused him inner peace.

They finished eating and began to get ready, John saw him look himself at the mirror, and approached him from behind, wrapping his arms around him, smelling his hair freshly washed. "Oh, you know I'm crazy about."

"John ... I..." Kaidan got stuck in his own words.

John quickly turns him around, "Kaidan please I don't want to make you sad."

Kaidan hugged him hard, so hard that he hear him complain, "I'm sorry ...you don't know how I missed this gesture of yours-"

"Kaidan-"

"Don't ever let me again, if you have to die again, please take me with you, but don't leave me again."

John pulls him away slightly to look at his eyes. Those brown eyes he loved, and was now full of tears, "I will never leave you again, Kai I swear."

"Okay."

* * *

They entered Anderson office; he was sitting at his desk. He did not look very happy. John and Kaidan greeted before sitting.

"So what's the verdict Anderson?" John went straight to the point.

"Shepard I need you to take this calmly. The Alliance decided to remove your position of Commander, for your ties with Cerberus."

"No, that's not fair," Kaidan snapped.

"Kaidan let him finish."

"Okay, that's not all, Kaidan," Anderson looked at him, "you are the new commander of the Normandy."

"Oh...hell no!" Kaidan said without thinking. "Sorry, sir but I don't want this. John says something please."

John was left thinking for a moment about what to say. The Alliance turned his back on him when he asked for help, and now this. He was tired, so fucking tired. "Okay I'll do whatever they want."

"John!"

"What Kaidan there is anything I can't do, either way, I'm tired. I died on the line of duty, I came asking for help, and I was turned down, so what else can I do. Anderson now I'm Lieutenant Shepard, again?"

"Yes, but Shepard I will fight with them just gives me some time. Right now the ship is in repair takes those days off, and waits for my call."

"I don't want that job."

"Kaidan you are the right man takes the post."

"John!"

"Do not argue with my take it."

Kaidan looked at Anderson, "Okay, but on one condition I want John in my crew. I would not do it otherwise..."

"Okay is fine with mi son."

After a while later, they were out the door. John put his arm around Kaidan. "So Commander, we're going to tattoo our asses again."

Kaidan walked away from him furious. "What the hell is wrong with you Shepard? What the hell did Cerberus do to you?"

"Kaidan I warn you stop I don't want to fight with you."

"I don't understand the other Shepard, the one from which I fell in love had fought this decision. You're just agreed to all ... This is not fair Shepard. You don't deserve that dirty move by the Alliance."

"Kaidan, you have not noticed, I'm tired."

"Love-"

"I died in the cruelest way you can imaginable. I woke up confused, in a second I was dying, and the other not, and worst of all everything around me was still exploding. I ask for help, and all including you turn their back of me, then I'm fucking tired," John will cry out then looked around. "What?" he yells at those who were watching.

"John calm down, let's get out of here."

John looked at him lovingly pulling him towards. "As long as you by my side nothing else matters." John grabbed his cheek, looking at him now calmer. "Between you and me there have never been ranking, or rules then who cares if you are now the Commander if we both have each other, everything will be fine my love," John said with all the sincerity of the world, then kissed him tenderly.

"Okay, lets tattoos of our ... wait ... wait," Kaidan walked away from him. "Why you say our asses? I already have my Tattoo."

"Well, Commander Alenko-"

"Stop that."

"Okay, baby, I think after this you owe me a little, so your tattoo missing some words."

"Oh God, I... I do not even want to ask ... but I will. Which words?"

"Property of ..."

"God Damnit John ... really ... no ... no ..." Kaidan rubbed his forehead, watching it brought his lips to his ear whispering something that made him blush... "Shit ... you're a cheater let's go ..."

* * *

John left the jewelry and stopped to open the black box, removing the two engagement rings looking at it for a moment. He had thought about it, he wanted to marry Kaidan, not now, he wanted to wait in see what would happen with the reaper, but John wanted to be a commitment between them. After a long time of being separated, John wanted to seal the relationship between them to show Kaidan he really loved him and that he don't care if he is now his boss or not. Among them, rules ceased to exist a long time ago. Kaidan brought light to his life, the desire to live, and the desire to have a family. Before meet Kaidan his life was a life of pleasure, and nothing else, now he has a reason to go on.

"Well, what small is the world that we live in Commander Shepard?"

John turned around to finding Michael, "John put the rings in the box and looked at the Doctor. "I guess so."

Michael could look at the box before he putted in his pocket. "You believe that buying a ring and proposing marriage to Kaidan may make him happy?"

"That's not your damn business," John said walking by.

Michael grabbed him by the arm, "You think a man with a criminal past like yours can make anyone happy because people like you don't change Commander Shepard."

John pulls away from him, "don't fucking touch me again. Do you think you are so perfect doc?"

"No, but at least I have a clean past, and I love Kaidan."

"Yes so what, I love him too, and he also loves me, so doesn't get in my way, or you will really know the man I was before doc."

"Yes, you are pure word, and nothing more."

John stops walking then turned around, "what is your fucking problem Doctor?"

"You're my fucking problem. Everything between Kaidan and I was going great until you come back. Kaidan's parents accepted me, and you ruined everything."

John, felt his blood boil, Kaidan had never presented it to his parents. "You met his parents?"

"Yes."

"I see, well Doctor, you will have a very clean past, but deep down you know very well who Kaidan always loved. I will not be perfect, and I know I had a dirty past, but my love for Kaidan is clean. I will not allow anyone to take him away from me, so if you don't want a war with me, don't come between us. "

After that John headed to his apartment he was furious. Many times he has asked Kaidan the he wanted to meet his parents, and he evaded him with excuses. That damn doctor had ruined the perfect night he wanted to have with Kaidan. Thing had been very tense since they went to Anderson's office two days ago. He didn't want to fight with him now that they were together, they never had fought, and he did not want to start now.

Those things had never happened to him, fighting with a man because another man, all because the damn destiny, play a trick on him, but if the doc wanted war he would have, no one messed with him.

After a while, he got to the apartment. Kaidan was lying on the sofa reading a book. "Hey."

Kaidan put the book aside. "Where have you been? When I got out the bathroom, you were gone." Kaidan says while approached him.

"Don't you read my note; I had an errand to do. I'm Hungry." John kisses him on the cheek.

"I will prepare something to eat. You're okay?"

"Yes," John lied. He took off his sweater that went to the couch leaned back turning on the TV.

Kaidan glanced at the room watching John watching TV. "I want to ask you a question?"

"Yes," John said with the control in his hand changing the channels.

"Liara knew you were alive?"

"Yes, it was her who gave my body to Cerberus," John said coldly.

"What?" Kaidan approached John.

"You heard me."

John heard in a few words what happened in the first ceremony that the Alliance did in his honor. He could not believe that Liara could have avoided all this if she had told the truth to Kaidan, but he could not get angry at her, he owed his life to her.

"John tells me something."

"Damnit Kaidan. I don't know what to tell you. Your finished cooking I'm hungry!" John said trying not to look at him in the eye. He was avoiding talking about the meeting he had with his ex.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing!"

"Do not lie something's wrong with you John Shepard I know you very well." John sat on the sofa letting out a grunt of frustration.

"My head hurts Kaidan, Please leave me alone."

"You know what help yourself ..." Kaidan said before walking out of the room to his bedroom.

John headed to the kitchen and finishes the sandwich Kaidan was preparing, and then pulled out a beer from the fridge then come back to the couch to eat. After he finish he leaned down on the couch again closing his eyes and fell asleep. It was late when he felt Kaidan throwing a blanket over him, he grabbed his hand." Lie down with me."

Kaidan smiled and settled on the couch with him, "I don't like to fight with you."

"Me neither," John said snuggling into his arms.

"Tell me what's wrong?"

"I want to meet your parents?" John enters his hand down his shirt letting out a sigh as he felt the heat of his body.

"Okay."

"Really?" John said smiling.

"Yes, we can go this weekend."

John kissed his cheek, "Thank you love."

"Your headache?"

"Gonne," John said before getting on top of him. "I told you how handsome you look now?"

"No."

"Well, forgive my inattention. You Commander Alenko look very handsome and sexy," John said, kissing her neck.

"You look more handsome than before also Commander."

"Not anymore."

"You'll always be my commander." Kaidan proceeded to take off his shirt.

John did the same, and then stands up slightly to unzip his pants, but Kaidan put his arms around him, kissing his chest moving his lips to his nipples. John moaned as he felt Kaidan's teeth biting his nipples, and then Kaidan helped him take off his pants quickly. Now both naked John kissed him intently as his hand grabbed their cocks rubbing each other quickly.

"You drive me crazy Kaidan, you turn me on in a way that no one ever had done." John moved his hand faster. "Tell me you love me. Tell me you're mining alone."

"I love you, I'm only yours."

"Kaidan Touch me, I want to feel your hands on my cock," John felt Kaidan's hand replace his, "oh baby yes ... fuck yes ... like that." John bit his neck, making him moan loudly. Kaidan moaning turns him on more than what he was. He introduced his hand under Kaidan's grabbing her ass.

"God John."

"You want me inside?"

"Yes ... Yes ..."

John quickly went to their room from the bottle lubricant, and the condoms, coming back right away. He daubs lubricant on his finger, preparing Kaidan for him. "Let me know."

Kaidan looked at him, bringing his finger to John's mouth. After a while, he can't stand the any most. "Now."

John quickly entered him grunting with pleasure. "God Baby ..."

"I love you ..." Kaidan whispered in his ear.

"I love you more than my life ..."


	6. A proposal

_Kaidan was waiting for his Commander in front of the Mako with Ashely. He crossed his arms and leaned back in the Mako closing his eyes for a moment, he hardly slept last night with the demands of his commander, which was fierier than ever last night._

_Each day that passed it was more difficult for them to hide what was happening between them, especially when his Commander increasingly demanded his presence in his cabin all the time. John gets angry every time he had to leave early in the morning. Kaidan had noticed that John was a determined man, and he did not want to hide their relationship, but Kaidan did not want anyone to know anything because he knew that their relationship could cost them their career in the Alliance._

_Kaidan also did not like hiding her feelings for him, especially when it was so hard to remain calm when his commander openly flirted with him._

_"Lt. Hey you didn't sleep too well last night?" Ashley asked._

_Kaidan open his eyes without knowing what to say for a moment, "Yes, why you ask?"_

_"Oh nothing," she said, but her facial expression was saying something else._

_"Okay Ashley spells it out,"_ _Kaidan said suspecting her response. Kaidan knew how curious Ashely is._

_"Well, Lt. I know what's going on between the Commander, and you."_

_"How ..." Kaidan said without thinking._

_"So you do not deny. It was just a hunch, but you fell into it, so you and the Commander," Ashley laughed, "Who'd tell Lt. a man likes you by the book, but I don't judge you, Shepard is very handsome and sexy."_ _She said laughing._

_"Ashely, please do not say anything."_ _Kaidan quickly beg her still unable to believe how stupid he was to fall into her trap._

_"Oh my lips are sealed, but I think everyone knows that. The Commander looks gives you are full of lust, I imagine you're driving the Commander crazy in bed."_

"_Ashely!"_ _Kaidan knew she was right, their eyes speak for themselves._

_'What Kaidan, you beat me to it. Shepard drives me crazy, but he only has eyes for you. " _

_"It's okay, but if you don't want anyone else to know of what is going on between you two tell Shepard that don't look at you like that ... is hot do."_

_"Lol God." Kaidan knew that was impossible. John was too bold, and he didn't care what others thought of him. Then Kaidan would not waste his time asking something that he wasn't going to do. _

_"Hey ...Lt. Can you ask our Commander to let you handle the Mako ... Please," Ashley pleaded with despair._

_Kaidan laughed he knew that Ashley had terror whenever she had to ride the Mako with John, handling because his commander was a madman behind the wheel. _

_"What makes you think that Shepard will listen to me?"_ _Kaidan asks her trying not to laugh._

_"Oh, Kaidan I'm sure that Shepard would do anything you asked him."_

_"No!"_

_"Kaidan, Please, I beg you!"_

_Kaidan could not help laughing, the face of terror Ashely had at this moment was priceless._

_"Lt. Do not laugh is not funny!"_

_"What happens here?" John said entering. He looked at Kaidan who had his face red from laughing so much._

_"Oh ... Nothing Shepard," Kaidan said trying to calm himself down._

_"Okay, are you two are ready for the best trip of your life?"_

"_No, I will be right back ... I need to use the bathroom." Ashely says walking out faster she can._

_"What's wrong with her?" John asked as he grabbed Kaidan around his waist._

_"Oh nothing ... John stops."_ _Kaidan tried to stop him but as always John ignored his words._

_John caught him against the Mako, "hey baby, you didn't wake me up this morning," John said before kissing him. _

_Kaidan hated the simple fact that he had no control of his body when John kissed him like that. Hell he couldn't control his body when John was near him. Kaidan wasn't a young man, but he acted as if he were a young man in from of him, perhaps because John was his first stable relationship that he had, or because gradually he was madly in love with him._

_"Well, if I had woken you, you wouldn't have let me go, Commander," Kaidan muttered between his lips. _

_John grabbed Kaidan's hand lacing his fingers with his, "you're right, I woke up, and I'm still horny for you."_

_"Yes I can feel you. John I don't know what I'm going to do with you, you're always horny. Damnit I need a break." _

_"Well, if it helps my defense, you're to blame for being so fucking sexy." John broke the kiss and stared at him. "Kaidan I had many lovers before you, but no one has ever made me feel like you, and I'll confess to you is not so much the sex, but as you treat me when we do it." _

_"How?"_

_"You are gentle, your words drive me crazy as you scream my name, how you touch me ... Shit ... Kaidan ..." John walked away from him. "Shit looks like you turn me on."_

_Kaidan looked down at his pants. "Commander Ashley is coming ... you need ..."_

_"I know ... you see your fault." John quickly entered the Mako grunting in frustration listening to Kaidan laugh. "Don't laugh, when we come back you know you have to help me with this problem."_

_"Yes I know."_

_A few moments later, Ashely was back she riding in the back of the Mako. Kaidan sat next to John which gave him a look before starting the Mako. Kaidan had to grab the Mako's door tightly. He looked at Ashley who was white as a sheet, and then he hears John cursing then the Mako make a turn sharply shaking them. "Shepard!" Kaidan cry out when the Mako suddenly stop._

_John laughed as usual. The man was enjoying. "What?"_

_"I want to see my mother again."_

_"Kaidan isn't that bad."_

_"Skipper is that bad ..."_

_John looks forward, "shit." He came out of the Mako. _

_Kaidan saw him look to the cliff thinking. He then looked at Ashley. "Hey Ashley"_

_"Kaidan please don't tell me he's thinking of jumping over, Kaidan, please." _

_"I think he is-"_

_"Let me out Kaidan."_

_"Ashley calm down.'_

_"I don't want to die Kaidan; please does something offer him a blowjob ... but do something!"_ _She screamed desperately._

_"Ashley!"_

_I don't want to die!" She screamed again._

_John entered the Mako, "I think I can make it."_

_"You think ... Shepard!" Kaidan scream scared._

_"Lieutenant-'_

_"Hey you two cut the act, I know what happens between you two Skipper, please do not do this."_

_"Well, if you know it you will not mind me doing this."_

_"John not -"_

_John interrupted him with an intense kiss, then he drive backwards, and looked Kaidan "Do you trust me baby?"_

_"I... I... "_

_"No!" Ashley cries out. "_

_"To bad Ashley ..."_

_Kaidan just closed his eyes and he hears Ansley scream when the Mako started running. At no time, Kaidan dared to open his eyes until he felt when the Mako landed abruptly shaking them. Kaidan immediately came out of the Mako running into a rock throwing up everything he ate this morning. _

_"Kaidan ... you are okay?" John asks him while patting his back._

_After a moment, he looked at his Commander furiously, and looked at Ashley who had to sit on one of the rocks because her legs were shaking. "John Shepard if you want this ass tonight, I'll drive back."_

_John crossed his arm around his chest, "is that so? You are giving me an order Lt.?"_

"_Damnit right I'm... So ..."_

_"Okay you win."_

_"Why didn't you say that, from the beginning Kaidan? I hate you both ..."_

* * *

"Kaidan...Kaidan ..."

"Yes!"

"Love, I 'm talking to you." John said.

"Sorry, I was concentrating on the road," Kaidan said. They were on their way to his parents' house. Kaidan was worried because he did not notify them of their arrival. The truth is that his parents didn't know that John was alive and that he and Michael ended their relationship. Kaidan wasn't worried about his mother, but his father. Yes, his father understood the relationship with John, because he was dead, but now things were different. His father was a very arrogant man; Kaidan feared that his dad was rude with John.

John put his hand on Kaidan's thigh, "love I'm hungry."

Kaidan looked at John surprised for a moment before looking at the road again," John it had been only two hours since we left the apartment I prepare you a good breakfast, and you're hungry again!"

"Yes, why not stop for a moment."

Kaidan put his hand on his stomach rubbing it. "Baby you're getting a little fatter."

"Hey, what are you trying to say that if I gain weight you'll leave me. I'm Hurt."

"No love, what I mean is that when we return we have to call Anderson, it is obvious that you are feeling anxiety, being lying all day watching TV."

"Kaidan you're complaining?"

"No!"

"Just stop I'm hungry."

"Oh for the love of God, okay."

Kaidan stopped at the next stop; he did not understand why John was like that. It is as he was defeated, tired, he had made no attempt to call Anderson, or fight for his position of Commander, and Kaidan was worrying. They stopped at a restaurant they went inside clearly everyone knew John Shepard, so it was easy to find a seat. While waiting for the food, Kaidan could feel all eyes on his back especially women eyes.

"John grabbed his hand, "hey."

Kaidan looked at John lovingly he could not deny that he was living the dream of his life, a quiet life beside the man he loved, even for a few months. "Yes."

"I love you."

Kaidan didn't' know what Cerberus had done to his commander but whatever he did he was grateful, because John was now more affectionate than before, his words of love were flowing out of his lips. "Me too. John what's going on with you?"

"Nothing, I'm happy that's all."

"Me too, but you're worrying me. You're not the man I'm seeing in front of me, you're a fighter. John I need when went we get back, you to fight for your position of Commander." Kaidan said firmly.

"Okay ..."

"Just like that ah!" Kaidan said with surprise.

"What you want me to tell you Kaidan, is obviously it bothers you to be with me in the apartment," John replied aloud.

Kaidan looked around them for a moment," lower your voice John, and stop saying stupid things. Those days beside you had been wonderful, but I know you miss your ship -"

"No!" John let out a sigh. "Honestly I don't know what happens to me Kaidan."

"You're depressed."

"No, Kaidan you give me happiness, maybe I'm disappointed after I give part of my life to the alliance, and they just replace me just like that."

Kaidan did not know what to say he was right. John died on duty, and his work with Cerberus saved them all, so he preferred to change the subject. "John My parents don't know that you're alive."

"You didn't call them Kaidan?"

"No," the waiter interrupted them. Kaidan wait for him to leave. "John my parents know Michael."

John just looked at him without expression on his face, and then continued eating.

"John you will not say anything."

"I knew it."

"How?"

In a few words, John told about his encounter with the Doctor that day. "You never wanted me to meet them."

"No, it is not like that. You were my commander my dad is very strict."

"What change now?"

"I don't think to hide our relationship, because you're important to me and because I love you madly."

"Okay ... okay ... Kai."

Kaidan look a bit mad, this new John who said yes to all he did not like it because he knew it was a matter of time that he snapped.

After a while, they paid the bill, but John wanted to go to the bathroom a moment, Kaidan accompanied him, but John saw the family bathroom, and grabbed Kaidan's hand.

"John what the hell you're doing," Kaidan said when John closed the door.

Without a word, John caught him against the wall, kissing him hard while he was unbuttoned Kaidan's pants.

"You drive me crazy."

"John ... what ... Shit ..." Kaidan couldn't continue because John was kissing him with demand while he was lowering his pants then he grabs his cock.

"Do you like this?" John asks him.

"Yes ... But we are in a public place."

"I don't care ... I want to fuck you now."

Kaidan was going to say something, but John turns him abruptly then he hears the zipper of John's pants, and Kaidan couldn't deny that it was turning him on bad what John was doing. He moaned loudly when John entered him hard. "Fuck John."

"Lower you voice baby," John said.

"You are fucking me in a public bathroom and now you are worry about me moaning loudly."

"Shut up and enjoy it," John said, grabbing Kaidan cock rubbing it faster. He moved his hips apace... "Oh baby you ass feel great."

Kaidan has to biting his lips to keep from moaning, and then someone knocked on the door. "John hurries up," Kaidan said.

John moaned in his ear, accelerating his pace, "oh baby ... baby ... come for me ...Come for me now ... oh ... I... Fuck Kaidan."

Kaidan came after feeling John cum. He couldn't hold the moan that left his mouth. "Shit John ... pulls out."

"Wait ... gives me a minute."

After a few minutes they came out of the bathroom, Kaidan was dying of shame when he saw a couple with a child waiting for the bathroom, but more surprising was that the couple recognized John as El Salvador of the Citadel, and John bent down and kissed the girl on the cheek. Then John grabbed his hand coming out of the restaurant with him.

"You want me to drive baby?"

"No way in hell. You ... you ..."

John grabbed him by the waist, "Me what?"

"You're crazy."

"For you ..."

* * *

They arrived to his parents' house. Kaidan noticed John a little nervous, and before leaving the shutter kiss him. "You're crazy but I love you madly."

John smiled, "let's do this, and baby I love you too."

His mother opened the door. "Mom," Sonia hugged his son tightly. Kaidan put his arms around her happy to see her.

"Son, you did not you say you were coming." Sonia said breaking the hug.

"It was an unexpected trip." Kaidan then grabbed John's hand. Mom I wants you to meet John."

For a moment, Kaidan's mother stared at John a little confused, but she recognized him then looked at his son."Kaidan you told me ... I do not understand ... I thought that your Commander was dead. "

"I was, it's a long story, but I'm happy to meet you."

"The pleasure is mine let's go inside the house." They entered Kaidan's dad got up from the couch after see his son. "Kaidan this is a surprise?" David looked at John curiously.

"Dad how are you?"

"Well son," David gave his son a hug. "Kaidan this is your commander?"

"Yes dad."

"Nice to meet you, John extended his hand, but Kaidan dad looked angry, then he withdrew his hand.

"Dad!"

"Kaidan fallow me to my studio now."

"David-"

"Sonia does not get into it." David said before the turn around.

"John gives me a moment."

"Okay."

Kaidan followed his father to the study, "dad -"

"What the hell is this man doing in my house Kaidan?"

"I see you are surprised that he is alive, and you did not say anything to mom."

"You know very well that I have contact in the Alliance, and I know well how it is that he is alive, please don't tell me you kept your relationship with him."

"Yes."

"Kaidan I 'm not going to allow -"

"Stop dad, the last time I check I was a grown man, and I don't need your permission, so you accept it or forget you have a son because I will not leave John," Kaidan said before leaving the studio, finding John laughing with her mom. "Mom, I do not know if we going to stay -"

"No, wait over here son, I'll fix this problem."

John approached Kaidan, "she is a lovely woman, but your father a he does not like me."

Kaidan grabbed his cheek, "do not worry."

After a while, their fathers came out of the study, and to Kaidan surprise, his dad greeted John. After the evening was more pleasant, then John did something that he was not expecting.

"David, I know you do not like the fact that I'm, or I was the commander of Kaidan, but I want you to know that I am prepared to resign if necessary for Kaidan" John grabbed Kaidan's hand. "I lost my life once, and for things of fate, I'm here again. You son is important to me, he is all I have in life, and I want to ask him something."

John-"

"Kaidan," John takes something from his pocket, "will you marry me?"

Kaidan grabbed the box and looked at his parents with his eyes full of tears. "I... Yes ... Yes ... a million times yes."

"Well I guess we have a wedding to prepare," Kaidan mother said.

'"I guess we do ..." John said looking at his fiancé with a look full of love.

Later they went to Kaidan's room. Kaidan kissed him hard, what he could do in front of his parents, "You definitely are crazy."

"But you're going to marry this crazy man ..."

"Damnit right I'm..."


	7. A wedding

**Last chapter before they come back to the Normany.**

John woke up that morning with his fiancé kisses on his back. He smiled.

"Wake up Sleepyhead." Kaidan said.

He loves when Kaidan woke him up like that. Before he was the one which always woke up first, but for some time John had been feeling lazy to wake up. John was getting use to the quiet life he was living with Kaidan, and he didn't want it to end, he didn't want the reapers to return. The only thing he wanted is to continue that quiet life with his love, but he knew it was only a matter of time before the reaper appeared, and they would have to return to the fight, but at least this time they'll be together.

It had been two days since their arrival to the house of Kaidan's parents; John had never felt better in his life. He never had a father or a mother, and Kaidan's mother is had been a sweetheart to him.

Sonia treated him like a son, and that was a unique experience for him. Kaidan's dad almost did not share with them, he was always in his study, but the few times he did, he was kind to him. John still doesn't know what Sonia told his husband that day to accept him, but John realized that she had a lot control on her husband. In a way, it reminds him his situation with Kaidan because Kaidan was the only one who could influence him, and tell him what to do.

John rolls over grinning at his fiancé with love, "why if it still too early to get up the bed baby." John seeks his lips kissing him.

Kaidan put his hands around John stroking his back. "We have to go jogging." Kaidan said snuggling closer to him.

"What?" John said breaking the kiss quickly. The least thing he wanted to do at that time was to get out of the bed, and get away from his arms.

Kaidan laughed, "You heard me right, my mom has been spoiling you too much, cooking everything you ask for, so we're going for a run, to see if you can get into the suit tonight," Kaidan said trying not to laugh.

"Kaidan you're not going to make me run especially today is our wedding day." Today was their wedding, and they had plenty to do. They wanted a simple wedding, but Kaidan's mom wanted something bigger for her child.

"John-"

"I'm not fat!" John said rolling on the bed again, and giving his back to Kaidan.

Kaidan laughed, and got up from the bed walking to the scale he has had in his bedroom. "Okay commander if you are not fat, come and show me," Kaidan challenge him.

John looked at Kaidan, and growled in frustration then he got out of bed, to climb on the scale. What he saw horrified him, he had gained ten pounds. "Kaidan!" John exclaimed surprised.

Kaidan look at the scale, and then looked at John, "I told you." He said and could not help laughing.

"How do you know?"

"Hello baby, you're always on top of me, and I can feel how heavy you are now."

"Kaidan that's cruel." John said getting off the scale. He noticed the last night Kaidan had complained when he climbed on top of him, but he was too turn on to pay attention.

Kaidan hugs him. "My beloved chubby, I adore you anyway, but if you keep getting fatter, it will have to be me who will have to be on top from now on."

"Chubby! Takes that back."

"No."

John grabbed him by the waist, "well, I guess we need to exercise ourselves much more than before-"

"No... No..."

"Wait ... what's that smell?" John said at the smell of coffee, and bacon. Kaidan had is right, Sonia prepared him some delicious dishes.

"John ... doesn't even think about it ... let's go jogging."

"Baby, please your mom cooks delicious." John headed to the bathroom ignoring the scolded of his fiancé. After leaving the bathroom, he saw Kaidan seriously look at him. "Okay love lets go jogging if that makes you happy, but for short time I do not want breakfast to get cool.

"We have not married yet, and I'm already thinking about divorce you."

"Hey, stop that ... you'll never get rid of me."

Kaidan slapped his ass, "okay chubby whatever you say."

"Stop that Alenko."

"Yes…yes…whatever chubby."

A while later, John realized that, Kaidan was right because when they were running he get tired immediately. He had to pause a moment to breathe as Kaidan kept trotting. He stared at him as he tried to breathe

"John you are okay?" Kaidan said smiling.

"Kaidan Alenko wipes that smile of victory on your face." John knew that Kaidan was having satisfaction to know that he was right.

Kaidan stopped jogging, and grabbed him by the waist. "Hey Commander, you're hungry?"

"Kaidan don't be cruel yes I'm." John admitted a little distracted by the proximity of their bodies.

Kaidan brushed his nose against John 's. "Then I suggest you to hurry," Kaidan pulls away from him starting to run. "I'll race you to the house, if you can keep up with me love."

"You ... Damnit I will make you pay for this Kaidan Alenko." John saw him advance. He was half synthetic, but Kaidan now was carrying off the lead. After a while, they come back to the house. John immediately headed to the kitchen. "Uhm Sonia what you are cooking the smell so good?" John said giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Good Morning."

She gives him a smile, "sit I'm going to serve you breakfast."

"Mom stops giving him so much food."

"Kaidan really, I do not understand why you two went out jogging? If you two are in very good physical condition."

John sat in the table and looked at Kaidan. "Your son called me chubby earlier," He complains.

"Kaidan Alenko, Shepard is not fat."

"Mom he is getting there."

"What makes you say that?" His mother asked him.

Yes, Kaidan what makes you say that? "John said challenging him with his eyes, remembering what he had said about be on top early, and he realized that Kaidan was also thinking about that, by the way, he was blushing.

"Oh forget it, feed him mom."

John grabbed his hand, "Thank you baby."

"John stops!" Kaidan said a little embarrassed with his mother.

"Oh, son don't feel embarrassed because of me, I'm not as conservative as your father."

"Where's dad?" Kaidan asks her.

"He went out to do some errands for tonight. Our entire family will come tonight."

"Mom I told you I did not want a lot of people."

"Kaidan is okay," John said, delighted to meet Kaidan entire family.

"John you do not know how they are."

"Kaidan, you think I'm going to tell my family that you're getting married, and nothing but with Commander Shepard, and they will not come to see him."

"Oh my God."

"Love is okay."

"Well I will leave you two alone I have a lot of things to do, Kaidan do not forget to pick up the cake in a while."

"'Yes mom.

They finished eating, and Kaidan got up to wash the dishes, John stared at him for a moment, in a few hours the two were to join their life together, and John can wait. He got up from the chair and approached Kaidan putting his arms around Kaidan's waist. "We are alone ah!"

"Yes," Kaidan said smiling."

"Would you like to take a shower together?"

Kaidan turns around, "I like the idea."

"Kaidan."

"Yes love."

"Never leave me; I don't know how to live without you."

"I will never leave you ..."

* * *

_John was in his cabin restless after what happened with Ashely on Virmire, he felt devastated, guilty and very confused. He had to take a quick decision that was to save her, or the man he loved because he was sure what he felt for Kaidan, but he wasn't ready to tell him, so he choose him, he didn't doubt for a second he just choose._

_He will miss Ashely; he was going to miss her smile, her fear when he drove the Mako. He knew she had feelings for him, but she always respect his relationship with Kaidan, on the contrary, she was always playing tricks on them by their relationship, but what else he could have done, yes maybe he acted selfishly, but he couldn't bear the thought of losing Kaidan._

_John sat on the bed covering his face with his hand helplessly tears started coming out of his eyes, he didn't want to have left her behind, he had wanted to save them both, but he couldn't do it. When he listened Kaidan over the Comm pleading him to save Ashely his heart started to beat faster, and at that moment, he realized his true feelings for Kaidan._

_He couldn't stand the look that Kaidan gave him when they were back on the ship, in his eyes he didn't saw that loving look Kaidan always gave him, on the contrary, he saw only reproach, sadness and guilt. Again he had to be that selfish man, who he once was, and think only of himself, think of a life without the man he was madly in love._

_Now in the solitude of his cabin, he didn't know how to talk to Kaidan, how to say to him that he could not lose him, and if he can to turn the time back John would make the same decision._

_"I'm so sorry Ashely, so fucking sorry."_

_Moments later Kaidan appeared in his cabin John was still sitting on his bed with his eyes fixed on the floor._

_"Tell me she didn't die for me, for us?" Kaidan said angrily._

_John did not dare to look at him he continued looking at the floor. "It was not our fault it was Saren's fault," John said shakily. _

_"But it was you decision, which, of the two have to stay behind in died."_

_"Kaidan-"_

_"Answer me John Shepard."_

_"What you wanted me to do Kaidan, it was you or her, and I choose you."_

_"You should have saved her, not me, I ask you to save her!"_

_John didn't answer his gaze was still fixed on the floor. _

_"Damn talk to me."_

_"What the hell you wanted me to do!" John snapped getting up from the bed. He grabbed his head for a moment before daring to look at him. "What do you want me to tell you Kaidan that yes, I acted selfishly I couldn't bear the thought of losing you."_

_"She ... was my friend." Kaidan said, breaking into tears. John tried to hug him. "Do not touch me ...this ... this relationship of yours and mine is sick ..." _

_"Don't you fucking say that Kaidan ... you're the best thing that happened to me, this relationship between you and me is the only thing good that I have in my life. Our relationship is the only thing healthy, and clean I've had. "_

_"We kill her."_

_"No, Saren did."_

_"You were wrong you made a mistake when you saved me."_

_"No," John approached him, "it wasn't a mistake not wanting to lose the person ... which is more important to me in your life as you are to me." John wanted at that moment to yells at that the man that he loves him, but he knew it was not the time, not like that, when both were feeling so much pain right now for losing a good friend, because apart from having been an excellent soldier, Ashley was a great friend._

_"John-"_

_"Damnit Kaidan I couldn't bear the idea of not seeing you again. Ashley knew it, she asked me to come back for you, she understood it, Kaidan, Please understand me."_

_"I... I do not know if I can live with this guilt. "_

_"You don't have to feel guilty Kai," John began wiping her tears despite the he were still in tears too. "I 'm the one who has to feel guilty, but I don't regret, if I have to do it again I would do it without hesitation."_ _As always he was clear to him, as he always had been. John always had told him the truth to Kaidan. He trusts him blindly._

_"God John I am that important to you?"_

_John hugged him tightly, "you have not the slightest idea how important you are to me Kaidan Alenko. If I lose you, I don't know what I would do." _

_Kaidan put his arms around him stroking his back. "Let's calm down so we can talk." _

_"Do not leave me."_ _John begged him, he never begged anyone, but now he do not care._

_"I will not do it."_

_John kissed his cheek, then his lips, but it was a calm kiss, it didn't have that passion the always are between them John only needed to feel his lips to calm down, and then they lay down snuggling in bed._

_They spoke of Ashley for a while, remembering the moments that the three of them lived together. John looked into Kaidan's eyes; he didn't see the reproachful look that he saw before, if not the same look of love that he always gave him, restoring tranquility to his soul. "Kaidan when this is over, I'm sure that the Alliance will give us some days off, and I want us to spender together."_

_"That sounds perfect. I have an apartment on the Citadel, we can stay on it."_

_"I like that baby," John saw Kaidan rubbing his forehead. "Do you have a headache?" _

_"Yes."_

_"Put your head in my lap I'll give you a massage." _

_Kaidan did, and John began to massage his temple. "Your hands always make me feel good."_

_"In any part of your body?" John said smiling. _

_"Oh yes Commander ..."_

_"Kaidan."_

_"Yes ..."_

_"Promise me that whatever happens, we will always be together."_

_"I promise ..."_

* * *

"Damnit!" John cursed. Kaidan was right the suit was a little tight, and he couldn't get his tie right. His hands shook slightly. He couldn't deny that he felt nervous. Kaidan family began to arrive early, and they were all lovely, but he couldn't deny that he felt a little strange especially around Kaidan's cousins.

There was something he couldn't deny do, Kaidan looked very happy around children, and that made him more nervous, maybe Kaidan wanted to have children, and he did not know if he could be a good father. Yes he wanted to have a family one day, his only doubts if he could give his family peace and tranquility.

He sat for a moment in bed, thinking about what he was about to do, gather his life forever with a person, the right person. What was worrying him the most is his past life and that made him wonder if he is the right man for Kaidan.

Kaidan was a wonderful man with wonderful parents and a clean past, not like his past. He recalled Michael words that day that the he found him on the street, yes his past weren't clean, but what he felt for Kaidan was."

"Shepard."

"Oh Sonia."

"You're right son?"

"Well, a little nervous. I can't put my tie right," John said getting up.

Sonia stood in front of him, " I'll help you. Kaidan is ready."

"You should be with him."

"Shepard, when you proposed to my son, you said that he was all you had in your life, but now you have me and David, I now it is hard to believe, but my husband is a good man."

"Thank you doesn't know what your words mean to me. You think I 'm the right man for you son ... Sonia I didn't have a clean past, but Michael did. "

"Michael is a lovely man, but he is not the man Kaidan loves, that man is you. In about your past, you said yourself it is the past the present is what matters right now."

"You are right."

"I'll ask you only one thing. Make my son happy, and I know you will. "

"I promise."

"Okay Shepard you are ready. You look very handsome. "

"You also look very beautiful tonight."

"Thank you son, let get going there is another handsome impatient man waiting for you."

"Yes ...

When they left the room, all his nerves and doubts were left behind; when he saw the charming smile of the man he was about to marry the man he loves.

John walks toward Kaidan and after all the words were said, and they gave their yeses, before kissing him John looks intently at Kaidan. "I promise you the no matter what happens you and I will always be together." Then he kissed him hard, no matter who were watching. Then later on now more relaxed, John was enjoying the party watching Kaidan dancing with his cousins. Kaidan looked happy making him happy. For a moment, their eyes met, and John just winked at him making Kaidan laugh.

A while later John went to the room to take off the suit, when he felt arms around his waist, he turn around. "Hey baby you're happy?" John asks him

"You have no idea." Kaidan helped him takes off the suit.

"You were right I have to lose some weight."

Kaidan then bring his lips to his husband, "I love you anyway ... chubby, skinny, bald, damn I will always love you no matter what," Kaidan said, brushing his lips.

"Kaidan ... today is the second time in my life I know for a fact that I made the right decision," John said, unable to keep the tears of happiness any longer.

"What was the first?"

"The day that I choose you on Virmire Kaidan I love you, and you just made me the happiest man in the world, thank you."

"Oh, John, do not thank me. Thank you for saving my life that time, so now I can devote my life to make you immensely happy ... I love you too."


	8. Back to the fight

John moaned and bit Kaidan's neck hard while moving fast on top of him. Tomorrow Anderson wanted to see them, and he had the feeling the tonight would be the last quiet night they would share in a long time, so he want to enjoy the most that he could do it.

"Do you like baby?" John asks him in his ear.

"Yes."

"Do you like my cock inside you?"

"Yes ... Love ... move faster."

"More!"

"Yes."

"Damnit baby, you're getting too demanding, but I like it. Just let me catch my breath."

"What?"

"It was a joke. Scream my love I want to hear you scream," John demanded. His husband pleased him as always. Kaidan moan makes him lose control of everything. He sucks his neck he doesn't care if he would let him a hickey or not, Kaidan was his husband, and he does what he wanted in bed with him. He could feel Kaidan's cock sliding between their stomachs. John put his fingers between Kaidan's wet hairs and then moves his lips to Kaidan's. After a few minutes he pulls off, "Damnit baby I don't want to come yet."

"We had been going on for hours," Kaidan said grinning.

"You're complaining?" John asks him, brushing his lips against Kaidan's trying to calm his desire of coming at this time

"No."

John rolls over next to him, "get on top of me."

"You're going to cum ever faster like that," Kaidan said smiling but crawling on top of him.

"I don't care," said John grabbing Kaidan's cock rubbing it. "Move it baby... "

"I have the feeling that you wanted this position so you don't have to move, fatty."

"Kaidan!"

"I love you," Kaidan said moving faster.

John closed his eyes for a moment, it felt good, then he let's go Kaidan's cock bringing his hands to Kaidan's waist, to move him even faster. Then he could not restrain himself moaning uncontrollably. "Oh fuck baby ... yes ..."

Kaidan had to grab the back of the bed to move faster with one hand and with the other he grabbed his own cock rubbing faster, his hand slipped with pre cum. "Oh John ..." Kaidan groaned after a moment, he felt he was close to cum.

"Not yet, baby ... I want more." John demanded.

"Shit ..."

John stops him raising Kaidan's ass and pulls out his cock to rub it in his ass before entering it again, then he began to move heard the groans of Kaidan. "Oh baby," John patted him on his ass. They continued like this until they couldn't take any more, but John came in Kaidan.

Kaidan came all over John's chest, then he let his body fell next to John breathing heavily, "You ... you are going to kill me." Kaidan could say, trying to calm his breathing.

"John laughed getting up out of bed," hey, you're the one that says I need to exercise."

"You call this an exercise?"

"Well, I saw on TV that sex is the best exercise to lose weight, coming let's go take another shower together."

"No more TV for you ..."

"Yea… yea stops being so grumpy."

"Don't call me grumpy," Kaidan said grabbing his waist.

"Oh, but you can call me chubby."

"You're a little chubby ..."

"Mama mia!"

"You really have to stop watching TV ... Mama mia, what does that even mean?"

"I saw it in a movie."

Kaidan just rolls his eyes...and fallow him to the bathroom

A while later they came out of the bathroom, John lay in bed turning on the TV, then he rubbed his stomach, looking at his husband, who began to wave his hands implying that he knew what he had to do. John saw his husband pulled a shirt and underwear on and head to the kitchen.

"Bring beer love."

Kaidan stopped immediately and looked at him, "I want a divorce."

"Yea ... Yea ... keep dreaming Alenko Shepard. I told you once, and I'll say it again you can never get rid of me, we will be together till death do us part."

Kaidan rolls his eye and left the bedroom.

John laughed, but his smile disappeared remembering his meeting with Anderson for tomorrow. He wasn't looking forward to it. He pulled the blanket over his body, and then he saw a magazine on the bedside table and opened it was a magazine of houses that were for sale. John began to view the photos, Kaidan deserved a wedding gift, and what better than his dream house, a house overlooking the Pacific that is Kaidan dream.

His husband deserves the best after how much that suffered by his death. He spent some time looking at the pictures until Kaidan came with a plate of food and a six pack of beer. "My love you are not going to eat?"

"Yes I'll go get my plate." Kaidan was back a moment later.

They had dinner watching TV. Then they both curled up in bed. John stroked Kaidan's wet hair, and then gave him a kiss on top of his head listening to him laugh with the movie, definitely John Shepard would not trade those moments for anything out. "Honey, would you like us to buy a house?"

Kaidan lifted his gaze to look at his husband, "we don't need much space."

"We will not always be alone Kaidan."

"Oh," Kaidan said without understanding his words.

"You want to have children one day or not?"

Kaidan sat in bed staring at him, and then touched his cheek to see if he had a fever. "You're all right? Once you told me you didn't want children.

John chuckled. "I had not been with you when I say that. Do not forget who I was, before you came into my life. After I saw you dancing with your little cousin, and saw the smile on your faces I know you would love to have a child one day, and I 'm alive to please your desires."

Kaidan then hugged him tightly, "what I have done to deserve a man like you?"

"It's the same question I ask to myself, so baby after this is all over you will like to have a little Kaidan?"

"Yes ...Yes I do"

* * *

They got up early to go to the Alliance, on the way John didn't say much. He had a bad feeling, and he didn't want to alert Kaidan. Last night he almost couldn't fall asleep, He spend most of the night watching TV, for that lack of sleep. Kaidan fell asleep in his arms early.

He let out a sigh of frustration then he felt his husband's hand grabbing his and that gesture of his beloved made him feel better. John looked at him while driving, his husband was handsome definitely he was crazy about him.

"Love you're okay?" Kaidan asked after noticing his husband very thoughtful along the way.

John looked sideways before answering, "I'm worried that's all."

"Do not worry; I'm sure they give you back your position of Commander again."

John took Kaidan's hand to his lips placing a tender kiss. "That's not what worries me, you know what I think about it, it's ... last night I didn't want the daylight to arrive, I'm afraid of losing what we have."

"We will not, have faith dear."

John didn't say anything more, he felt a knot in his stomach, and his feeling came true when they arrived to the Alliance HQ, and John immediately noticed that something was going on. They both shared a look, before going to Anderson's office. They didn't get far when they met Anderson, along with another man that they didn't recognize.

"Anderson how are you?"

"Oh, boys I was waiting for you two." Anderson carefully looked at John then took his hand to John's stomach rubbing it then he looks at Kaidan," Major what you have been feeding the Commander."

Kaidan couldn't help laughing; the he looked at John who had his mouth wide open looking with surprise an Anderson. "Anderson doesn't go there."

"For God's sake I'm not fat!"

"Well just a little soft around the edges," Anderson says.

John rolls his eyes then looked at James." Who is this, and why you called me Commander, and Kaidan a Major? "

"This is James Vegas; the Lt. will work with you two."

"Nice to meet you Lieutenant," John said.

"My pleasure Commander I've heard a lot about you."

"Good things I hope," John says.

"Nice to meet Lieutenant," Kaidan salutes at James.

"Well, Shepard, Kaidan, I have good news. Shepard, you are back to be a Commander again, and Kaidan you're being promoted to major, congratulations to you both."

"Anderson, what is happens the Alliance is very strict, when they make a decision is very difficult for them to retract," John said a little annoyed. He knew that they had not returned him his position just because.

Briefly Anderson explained as Admiral Hackett was mobilizing all fleets because something big was heading towards them. John did not have to think twice to know that Anderson was speaking of the Reapers. He knew only that they had been waiting for the right opportunity as John also knew that they were not prepared for an attack.

"The reapers?" He knew exactly what was on the way, what he'd feared all along the reapers.

"We don't know. Not sure."

Shepard frowned, "What else can it be?"

"If, I knew that." Anderson answer.

"If they are, you know that we are not ready ... Not even close."

"Tell that to the committee of defense." They keep walking.

"Unless they are planning to kill the reapers of boredom, then the committee is a waste of time." John said with exasperation.

"They're just scared. Neither of them has seen what you have seen. You've faced a reaper. You've seen how they harvest us. Thing they plan to do with us. You know more of the enemy than anyone. "

"That's why I was demoted? And they took my ship?" John asked angrily.

"You Know that is not true, Shepard you were working with a terrorist for a while, despite the fact that the Alliance was against it."

"It was either that or let the collectors continue to take human colonies."

'I know, and the committee also knows Shepard. If it hadn't been for that they would have made you a court martial and sentenced to rot in jail. "

"For that reason and because you are my protector."

"Yes. I trust you Shepard. And the committee also relies on you."

"I'm just a soldier Anderson, I'm not a politician."

"I don't want you to be. I just need you to do what the hell it is necessary to stop the reapers."

"Calm down John," Kaidan said.

"Kaidan do not tell me to calm down, we are not prepared for a massive attack, the reapers. I tried to tell everyone, but nobody heard me."

"I have heard you son, but I'm only one man. Now I need you to come with me, to talk to the Committee of defense, so you can you clarify your doubts and fears."

"Okay Anderson gives me a moment with my husband."

"Your husband?" Anderson said surprised.

"Yes Anderson, Kaidan and I got married few days ago."

"Well, congratulations to you both."

"Likewise," James said.

John walked away with Kaidan few moments. "Kai this was what I feared." Kaidan play her husband's cheeks, "everything will be fine, go with them and make them understand."

"Okay."

All John's fears came true while talking to the defense committee, the reaper came destroying everything in their path. "Move." John screams but was too late, one of the reapers shot into the building, and they all fell to the floor. John lost knowledge for a moment. After John regaining knowledge, he saw the defense committee's bodies scattered on the floor. Now Anderson and he were running to get to the meeting point with the Normandy, where Kaidan was with James.

The two ran watching everything in its path get destroyed by the reapers. The ships were destroyed by their lasers, people burned by them. There was husk everywhere attacking everyone, big or small, it was hard to see.

After running and fighting with husk, they came to a building where John saw a child, a child that he tries to help, but the child rejected his help. John felt so angry to see all around him get destroyed. After a while, they came to a point where they could send an emergency signal to the Normandy, and after fighting with an endless number of cannibals, the Normandy came for them. "Anderson let's go," John shouted. They both ran toward the ship.

"John you're okay?" Kaidan asked with concern after John was on the ship.

"Yes." John directed his gaze to Anderson that was still outside, "Anderson came on."

"I'm not going," Anderson yelled from outside, "you saw those men out there. It is a million like them. They need a leader." Anderson said.

"We are in this war together Anderson." John screamed at him.

"It's a fight we can't win not without help. We need all the species, and all their ships to have the slightest chance of defeating the reapers. Go talks with the council convince them to help us."

"And if they don't listen?" John ask him a little angry

"Then make them listen. Now go it's an order. "Anderson pulled a dog tag from his pocket throwing to John, "You already know what you have to do," Anderson said, looking at him from distance watching him with anguish, and despair in his eyes.

"John looked at the dog tag for a moment, and then he looks at him," I'll come back for you, and I will bring all the fleets I can." He turned to go inside the ship, but before he turning to look at Anderson." Good luck. "

"You too Shepard."

After a while, he entered inside the shutter bay Kaidan was fixing his armor. John walks towards the terminal.

"Commander, where are we going?" James asks him while walking towards him.

"Anderson wants us to go to the Citadel to get help for the fight."

"What? The fight is here," James replied angrily.

"You think I want to go, without their help this fight is already over."

"Stop and let me in the next-"

"Shut up lieutenant," John yell pointing at him with his fingers, "we are going to the Citadel you can catch a ride back when we get there."

Kaidan approached John putting his hand in his shoulder, "John calm down."

He took a deep breath. Kaidan was the only thing he needed right now, just with the touch of his hands he felt relaxed.

"Commander."

"Joker is that you?" John asks him.

"Alive and kicking. You receive a call from Admiral Hackett."

"Ok I will take from here." John pressed a few buttons on the terminal.

"Commander," Hackett speaks from the other side.

"Admiral."

"Shepard I need you to go to Mars."

"Mars! Anderson ordered me to go to the Citadel." John answered him.

"I have Dr. Liara t 'soni over there locating a new Prothean data that can help us defeat the reapers, but the archives on Marts are not responding, I need you and your team to go there."

"Understood Admiral."

"Ok Hackett out."

"Joker set course to Mart," John orders him.

"Mars! Understood we be arriving about an hour."

"This is loco," said James who looked surprised.

"Why Mars? What do you think we will find over there?"

John headed to the table where his armor was taking it in his hands, "I don't know, but if it helps us win this war. Let's go get suits up."

The three went into the locker room. "Kaidan you can use a standard armor I will ordain you another on the Citadel."

"Good idea."

James noticed the look that they two were giving each other when they were changing. He put on his uniform en left leaving the two alone.

John was trying to put his armor on, but it was getting a little tight. He cursed with frustration, when he felt his husband hand on his shoulder he turn around, and he met with the same look he had at that time in the eyes of his husband, confusion, desperation. "This should not have been happened Kaidan. I ... Damn, I try to warn everyone," John said shakily. He had to sit for a moment.

Kaidan sat beside him holding his hand. "Commander now is not the time for weakness. I need my brave commander now more than ever."

Kaidan I-"

"No, now you have to be strong, is not the time for what could have be, and wasn't. Now you have to put that hard mask of Commander on to destroy those bastards of the reaper. I am with you."

John put his hand on his cheek then he brought his lips to Kaidan's giving him a kiss, "you always have the words I need. You're my strength Kaidan without you I would be lost. I promise you I will destroy them, for every single being on this galaxy, for us. Well is I can wear my armor… is kind of tight."

"Oh my God, I will help you ... John ... My parents ... the attack ... I... "

"No baby, I'm sure they are fine."

"Yes you right, let's go."

* * *

After they arrived at Mars, the first thing they found was Cerberus's agent massacring the Alliance soldiers of the Alliance, they could finish them quickly.

"Those were Cerberus agents?" James asks John.

"It seemed liked Lieutenant." John replied equally confused like James.

"Cerberus, what are they doing over here on Mars?" James asks John.

"I don't know James, is that what you're asking." He didn't know very well the lieutenant, but he felt distrust in his question.

James was going to say something more but Kaidan, stopped him, "dropped Lieutenant, the Commander had been with me all this time I know very well that he has nothing to do with this."

They continued, and after battle again agents of Cerberus, they reached the elevator. John headed to the control.

Kaidan approached his husband on the sly, "hey you have no idea why they're here?" "Kaidan-"

"I don't doubt you John; it's just that you work with them, maybe you have an idea what Cerberus wants."

John felt a relief that Kaidan didn't doubt him anymore. "I don't know, but we'll find out."

The elevator opened, and the two walked out a noise interrupted him, and all three were covered back of the Mako.

The noises were coming from the air vent. Liara was inside, fighting with Cerberus agents. After seeing her jump and finish the Cerberus agents, James drew his gun toward her.

"Easy Lieutenant she is with us," John said getting closer to Liara.

"Thank the gods you're alive," Liara said.

"Liara," John says.

"Kaidan, Shepard ..." She looked at Kaidan a moment.

Kaidan ignored her greeting, felt a little resentment towards her, for having concealed the fact that John could have been alive.

After that, they listened in brief words the reasons why Liara was on Mars, after that they continued to get ahead, now without James, which John commanded to return to the shutter, just in case Cerberus tried to escape with information.

The three of them continued on, and John, could feel Kaidan was uncomfortable with Liara presence, and more or less he know why.

A while later, John could not believe what his eyes were seeing, in front of him was Dr. Eve, who had stolen some of the information they needed for Illusive man. She had Kaidan grabbed by the neck in front of the shutter.

"Let him go." _You fucking bitch, don't you fucking dare_ ... He pointed his gun but his hand was shaking, and John Shepard was a man who had never before had trembling hands to shoot someone, but now he was frizzy by the terror of seeing his husband hanging from her hand

John felt that his world was collapsing under him, his vision began to blur, and his breath began to stir after he saw her throw Kaidan against the shutter, "no." John shouted, but it was too late. She star heading towards him, and without thinking, John discharges his gun at her then he started toward Kaidan that was lying on the floor.

People say that life passes before your eyes when you are about to died, but life was now passing through his, the future he wanted with Kaidan, the children someday he would like to have with him. Kaidan couldn't die, not now that finally the two were happy together.

John ran toward him, "Kaidan ... Kaidan, oh God ... Please hold on ..."

John quickly picks him up and ordered James to grab Doctor. Eva's body. They moved fast after that Joker inform him that reaper forces were coming. John entered the med bay putting his husband in bed. John took off his helmet and then grabbed with despair Kaidan's hand.

"Shepard, we need to go to the Citadel, and there Kaidan will be able to get help."

John looked at Liara," I know ... Joker, Take us to the Citadel as soon as possible."

"Understood Commander."

"Liara go see what you and Edi can get from that thing. "

"Yes. "

"Commander, " Edi disembodied voice speak over the Comm.

"Yes. "

"Admiral Hackett needs to talk to you Commander. _"_

"Understood." John looked at Kaidan, "Hold my love I will be right back." John didn't want to leave, but he knew what was at stake, and who he was the gray Commander Shepard. Duty first, right. Damn he didn't want to be Commander Shepard right now; he just wanted to be a husband that's all. After talking briefly with Admiral Hackett and tell him everything that happened on Mars, John left the Comm room. After sharing a few words with Liara he was directed towards the shutter bay for a moment to take off his armor, and then return with Kaidan.

He grabbed a chair and sat next to his bedside then he grabs Kaidan's hand. He looked at the pale face of his husband, and he couldn't hold the tears that without the power to avoid it started coming out of his eyes. He couldn't describe the pain he was feeling at that moment, seeing the reason of his life, the only person he loves in the world about to die.

John tried to say something, but the only thing that came out of his mouth was a sob for a moment the only thing he could do was cry. If he lost Kaidan nothing would make sense for him anymore. He would be capable to send everything to hell, and meet with Kaidan. Kaidan was the light of his life, without him John saw no future, he don't see how to move forward.

When he could calm down a moment, John began to stroke his husband's cheek, "forgive me, I fail you... I... I should have protected you...I... I don't know what happened to me ... Kaidan don't leave me... please don't do this to me... I...need you... without you I see no way out. Without you, my life is empty. God Damnit, baby... please ... please ... doesn't leave me. "

John had never prayed, but he looked up, and started talking . "I've never asked you for anything, but now I will, don't take the only thing I have away from me, Please take my life if you want to do it, but no Kaidan. My life has no meaning without him. Please God hear my prayers if I had done something wrong in my life I apologize, but don't take Kaidan from me, If you do, my life will be over because I won't continue this life without him, so if you put me in this world to save the galaxy, with all you respect, you better don't take the only thing that gives me strength to continue, because I won't do it."

John, looked down a Kaidan again, "don't leave me behind..."


	9. The normandy

**Forgiveness for my grammar errors I don't have anyone who can beta my fiction, so I try to do the best I can. Like I say before I'm Spanish so is a bit difficult for me to write.**

To say that John Shepard was moody wasn't even remotely close to what he was really feeling right now. He had to leave his husband in the hospital to go to Palaven, on top of all he had a lot of reports to fill out, and he hates doing it. Kaidan was the right person to do it. Kaidan have always offered to do it for him, in Sr-1. He used to lay his head in John's lap while he stroked his hair.

John was the correct type of man for the fight or the battlefield, but now not so much. John was not looking forward to his next mission without his husband anyway. He wasn't trying to be a crybaby about it, but the truth was that he was tired. He was thirty-two years old, well, thirty if, he subtracted the two years that he was dead, but the reality is, that is so much the a single man can take before giving up.

"Commander," Joker speaks over the Comm.

"Yes Joker."

"I just wanted to know if you are Okay," Joker asks him.

John drank a sip of his drink before answering to him. "Do I really have to answer that question Joker?" John replied to Joker with another question. All who knew him and Kaidan, already knew what he was feeling right now

"No Commander I know very well how you're feeling, but don't worry, I know Kaidan will be fine."

'I hope so Joker."

"I'm glad to see you again I only wished that, it would have been in other circumstances."

"Me too Joker. In a while I'll come see you. You and I have a lot to talk about."

"Yes Commander."

John got up from the couch and headed to the terminal." Traynor."

"Yes Commander."

"Tell Liara I need to see her in my cabin."

"Understood Commander."

Early he had the chance to tour the Normandy, to get to know his new crew. He had the opportunity to meet Cortez, who would be his pilot. So he had time to wrestle with James, and let off his frustration a bit, definitely he wasn't in good physical condition anymore.

John looked at Kaidan's photo for a moment before heading to his drawer, where he had put his things and Kaidan's early. He had been able to bring few things from their apartment after he left Kaidan in the hospital. He pulls out the pictures they took in their apartment, and replacement Kaidan's photo, with that, and then he ran his finger across Kaidan's face he couldn't avoid tearing up. "Damnit baby, it is had been only two days without you, and I miss you madly."

He put the picture back after hearing the door, he looked towards it. "Liara came in."

"Shepard I thought you had forgotten about me."

"Why?"

"I don't know, you look very different from the last time I saw you." She grabbed his hand. "You look a little ..."

"Overweight." John laughed.

"Yes, but you still are the most handsome man I've ever met."

"Liara, Please I don't like those comments," John said as he moves it away from her, to prepare her a drink. "Sit down Liara, you and I need to talk about Kaidan," John said pointing to the couch for her to sit down.

"Yes, he gave me the cold shoulder on Mars."

"And you blame him after that you hid on the possibility that I was alive," John said without hesitation, he liked to go straight to the point.

Liara grabbed the glass from his hand. "Shepard when I saw him with that man in the ceremony of the first anniversary of your death I warned him. I told Kaidan to leave this man, or he was going to regret it, but he didn't leasing to me," Liara said a little angry.

John sat beside her; he started to think what to tell her not to make her feel bad. John knew that Liara had always had feelings for him, and that made the relationship between them a bit strange. "I won't deny that the relationship Kaidan had with the Doctor doesn't make me happy, but I can't get angry either. Kaidan had the right to rebuild his lives without me, but you shoulder been honest with him. If, I had been Kaidan, and you had told me the same thing without a logical reason for your words, I would have done the same thing. I wouldn't have heard of you either. Kaidan deserved the truth."

"Shepard, Kaidan always been a man loyal to the alliance, maybe he wouldn't have taken in the best way, and he would have informed the Alliance."

"You're wrong Liara I am sure he would have been able to understand, and he would have found a way to be present during those two years because he loves my."

"Maybe you're right, but I see that things between you two are fixed," she said jealously.

"You're jealous Liara?"

Liara finished her drink, and she served another one, "Shepard, my feelings for you haven't changed. I thought that now that Kaidan had another person, maybe you and I ... I do not know. "

John looked at her sadly. He can only imagine what it felt to love someone and not be loved in return. He grabbed her hand. If, it is something that he had learned of his husband is to be more human, and have compassion on others.

"Liara I've always loved Kaidan you know that. There something you have to know, Kaidan and I got married. Those few last months he and I have spent together in our apartment."

She brought her hand to John's cheek, "now I understand why you're so chubby, " she said laughing.

"You too Liara I already have enough with Kaidan calling me chubby all the time!" Then John looked at her sadly, I'm worried about him Liara."

"He will be fine Shepard; Kaidan is a strong soldier I'm sure he will pull through. Shepard listen you always will occupy a especial place in my heart, but I must admit, the love between you two is strong. I really envy Kaidan for having a man like you crazy about him."

"I 'm not ashamed to say that I love my husband, and without him I'm just a lost soul, but I also want you to know that I feel a lot affection and respect for you, and ask you to fix this with Kaidan, I don't like having to choose between you two because you know who I will choose."

"I know."

Liara and he stay talking for a while he felt that the conversation now that she knew he was a married man was smoother, then he continued filling his fastidious reports, he was already missing his apartment.

It was one thing that was bothering him, and that was that he had to get a new doctor for the Normandy, he had three candidates, and one of them was the one he least wanted to see in his life again. Doctor Michael, the best, and the one that, the Normandy need.

"Damnit," John stood up and headed to the aquarium watching the fish for a moment, thinking that he would have to leave behind his pride and ask the Doctor to work with them.

He looked towards his bed; definitely he was not looking forward to falling asleep, the last two nights he had been unable to sleep, nothing more than a few hours all night thinking of Kaidan, so he decided to go for a walk around the ship, but before he wrote a message to his husband.

_Kaidan._

_I just hope you wake up soon. I feel all the pain of the world to had to leave you behind. Now I'm off to Palaven. If you wake up before I return I ask you to let me know if you're alright, you do not know the anguish I feel right now without knowing how are you, I miss you so much._

_I love you Kai._

_Your husband._

John left his room to the elevator he enter then he press the button for the third floor. It was funny as during the time he was with Kaidan he always had appetite, and now he felt a knot in his stomach that prevented him for eating. He came out of the elevator and headed to the post observation room, finding with Cortez, who was sitting watching the stars with a drink in hand. John approached him. "Nice view."

"Yes, Commander I'm sorry I needed a drink."

"You do not have to apologize Lt. you're on your own time." John noticed his Lieutenant was sad.

"Cortez something wrong?"

"Oh, I was just remembering my husband."

John headed to the bar pouring a drink. "He stayed on Earth?"

"No, Robert died when the Collector attacked our colony."

"I'm sorry; honestly I can only imagine how you feel, but I know someone who suffered something similar." John sat next to him.

Cortez saw the ring on his finger, and remembers that James had told him that his commander was a married man. "Married?"

John looked at his ring and smiled. "Proudly."

"A man as famous as you we heard nothing about Commander Shepard getting marriage."

"It was a family ceremony. Kaidan and I were working for the alliance, we did not want the news was published."

"James told me that you husband is in the hospital."

"Yes," John said sadly

"I'm sorry Commander."

"Is okay," John said quickly he didn't like the show weakness to another person other than his husband. "So Lieutenant tell me, from now on you will be my pilot I hope you do a good job."

Cortez laughed, "You can be quite sure about that Commander."

"Well I hope so I'm a person that speaks my mind, and if I don't like your job I will tell you or I just replacement you."

"Right. Commander you know I've heard a lot about you, and I am surprised to see that you are not as people describe you."

"How will that be?"

"Hard, relentless, capable of do anything to get you goal."

John looked down at his glass before taking it to his mouth," ah," he let out a sigh as he felt the alcohol in his throat, and then he shook his head. "I'm Lieutenant, do not kid yourself, right now I'm out of the loop I almost see my husband die in front of my eyes, but yet I'm the same man."

Turns out the talking with his lieutenant were more pleasant than he thought. Those last few months he had only been in the company of Kaidan, so the other people are talking to him was a little estrange, but he could not deny that he was feeling too comfortable with Cortez. Without realizing the time went by between them, "It's late and we will reach Palaven early in the morning, thanks for your company Cortez."

"Likewise Commander, and with all the respect you deserve, it is a shame that a man as handsome as you east already married."

John stared at him a moment. It is the second time someone called him handsome today. He shakes his head out of the room. For him is only mattered when Kaidan, flirted with him anyone else he doesn't care about it, but he could not deny that he felt flattered.

* * *

Palaven was a mess, like Earth the reapers had arrived destroying everything in their pass. John was able to rescue the new primary of Palaven Victus whom John with his wisdom words was able to convince the primary to help him. Later when they were back in the shutter John approached Cortez putting his hand on his shoulder, "good Job Lieutenant."

"I told you Commander I'm good at my job."

"Good to know," John said patting his shoulder.

John smiled and went back to the back of the shutter. The good thing about all this is that Garrus was back with them.

"Shepard, are you okay?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"I know you well enough to know that something is happening to you."

John crossed his arms around his chest and closed his eyes for a moment, "we'll talk when we get back." For some reason, he didn't feel comfortable speaking in front of James, perhaps, for the Lt. Doubts about him on Mars. After they come back to the Normandy John headed to the Comm room, where he contacts Admiral Hackett.

"Commander good job you did extracting the primary of Palaven."

"Thanks you. Almirante I need a huge favor from you."

"If is in my hands count on it."

"Kaidan's family remained on Earth; I don't know if there would be possibility you can help me to find out the welfare of them. Kaidan's father was military, and he has been surely sent on an active duty."

"Why is they are significant to you Shepard?"

John put his hands on the Comm looking at the hologram of Admiral intensely, "They are my family Almirante. Kaidan is my husband."

"I did not know that detail, you know, that can prevent Mayor Alenko for return to work for you to the Normandy. You know very well that the relatives are not allowed to work together, also don't get me start talking about the fraternization rules you two have broken."

John took a deep breath, "I know, but I ask you to make an exception. Kaidan and I are very good at our jobs, and now you need the best." John saw him hesitate for a moment. "I've never failed you, I consider myself a good Commander -"

"One of the best."

"Therefore I want the best crew, and Major Alenko is one of the best," John said firmly.

"Alright Commander, but after the war ends I don't think the Alliance keeps you two together."

"Admiral, this is my last fight."

"Are you sure about that Commander?"

John smiled. "I've never been as sure in my life as I am right now"

"Well, we'll talk about it later, I will try to get information about the welfare of you family."

"Thank you Admiral."

After that meeting, John went to the med bay.

"Commander, you have a message from Major Alenko."

John smiled happily, "Thank Traynor." He walks toward the terminal then he opening the message.

John.

Hey love I'm up and I'm fine with an immense desire to see you. My doctor says I'm ready to have visitors now. Don't beat yourself up, I'm fine love. Say, you may be horny by now because if I know you, four days without sex you must be pretty horny. Don't rush, but it will be nice if you can come as soon as possible, I miss you so much.

I hope you are okay, please take care of yourself; I would die if something happened to you. I know it must have been hard for you to see me like this, that reminds me that you had a feeling something bad was going to happen, but do not worry I'll be with you soon, I promise.

"I love you, your husband.

Kaidan.

Hey baby, how can you think I'm as horny? if, I've been worried sick about you, Well, I can't deny that I would love to have you now in my arms. I've been so worried that I could barely eat anything. I miss you in bed, I miss you everywhere. We're on our way back to the Citadel to see you.

"I love you love, your husband.

John walked away from the terminal, and looked at Traynor, who looked at him curiously. "What?"

"Oh nothing Commander, is that ... it seems that the message make you happy."

"You have no idea how much Traynor"

After dealing with Edi problem, which took the body of Dr. Eva without his consent, John went to the room of the main battery. Garrus as always was working in the battery. Garrus was a good friend, the only friend he could say that he had. John knew he could count on him at all time. "Hey Garrus," John said entering the room then he leaned on the wall with his arms crossed on his chest.

"Oh Shepard, I am glad you came; now you're going to tell me what's wrong with you?"

"Aside from all that is happening on Earth, and in Palaven, Kaidan is in the hospital, but I just received a message from him, and he is much better," then in short words John explain to him what had happened on Mars and on Earth. "There was a child on Earth, that I had to watched die, and for some reason I'm still here."

"You tried to warn everyone Shepard, is not your fault what happened."

John took a deep breath, Garrus was right, he attempts to warn everyone, but no one believed him now thousands are dying. "I know." John saw Garrus stare intensely at him for a moment. "Garrus before you say something... Yes I got extras few pounds on me."

"I wasn't going to say that. I was just going to say that you look much better."

"You are flirting with me Garrus because if you are, I have to warn you that I am a married man now," John said trying not to laugh.

"Spirits Shepard, not even in your dreams ... Wait ... Wait ... You and Kaidan got married?"

"Yea we did."

"Shepard, why didn't' you tell me?"

""It was unexpected. Now tell me, how's your family?"

"My father and my sister were able to escape Palaven, now I'm not sure where they are. I just hope they're right."

"Yes I hope that too, I'm also worried about Kaidan's parents." John said looking down.

"You have changed Shepard."

"I hope for the better."

"I think so."

* * *

After his conversation with Garrus he finally was able to eat something, and then retire to his cabin. Tonight he thought that he may finally fall asleep now the he knew that Kaidan was fine, but there was something that worried him, Doctor Michael Martinez. John knew the Michael worked at the Citadel, and even although, he didn't see him when he left Kaidan in the hospital, he knew that is a possibly that Michael is the Doctor who was attending his husband, but he know the Kaidan wasn't going to mention through a message, so that he doesn't worry.

John takes off his clothes then went to bed. He trusted his husband, but he didn't trust that damn doctor, worst of all, he had decided to bring Michael to work with them to the Normandy. He couldn't mix his personal issues with work, and much less now that Admiral Hackett wasn't very happy about their relationship.

He cover himself with the blanket trying to banish those thoughts from his head, then he looked at their photo smiling, in a few days he would see Kaidan again, and with that thought he could fall asleep.


	10. Healing old wounds

Kaidan was looking at Michael while he was examining him. He notices that his ex-looked thin, and his eyes were sad. At no time, Michael spoke to him in a tone that wasn't professional. His indifference was hurting him, for the appreciation he still felt for him.

Kaidan wanted to work things out with him; he wanted to maintain their friendship because he could not deny that he misses his friend. They used to talk a lot, Michael always comprehended him, but of course, not like his husband.

To have been living happily with his husband all those months, it doesn't mean that he had been forgotten about Michael, he was important in his life. If John wouldn't have come back who knows, maybe Michael would be the one who were being his husband now. Kaidan knew that he never had been able forget John, but he would have learned to live with the love of the two of them in his heart.

"Major, if you are still progressing like that perhaps may you will leave soon. I have to go now if, you need anything let me know with the nurse," Michael said coldly.

Kaidan saw him turn around, and without hesitation he grabbed his arm. "Wait."

Michael let out a sigh, "Kaidan-"

"You're still angry with me? You can't hold a conversation with me that isn't professional?" Kaidan ask him. He can't stand his indifference another second.

"You and I have nothing to talk about?" Michael replied without turning around.

"Turn around and tell me to my face," Kaidan challenge him, knowing that as his husband he couldn't stand the challenges.

Michael turned around, "What the hell can I say to you Major Alenko? That I'm still in love with you, that I'm still suffer for you, or that I hate you, but at the same time I miss you dearly. Tell me Kaidan, of everything I just said to you, which one you want to hear?" Michael said sternly.

For a moment, Kaidan just stayed looking at Michael's eyes, which didn't hide the sadness or tears, and again like that day, he felt the most evil man in the world.

"You're going to forget me someday?" Kaidan asks him sadly.

"I..." Michael glanced at Kaidan's finger, and grabbed his hand playing with his ring. "I see that Shepard made you his husband," Michael said shakily trying not to let out his tears he still love Kaidan.

"Michael, please forgive me I want to be your friend as we were before." Kaidan grabbed his hand watching him intently, trying to deplete his last resort, to regain his friendship.

"I don't know. I'll be honest with you, trying to forget you it had been more difficult than with the man with whom I was going to get married before you. Honestly I 'm glad you're happy, but forget about me."

"I don't want to."

"Damnit Kaidan doesn't do this to me."

"You don't look good you look tired, sad, and it hurts me to see you like that not out of pity, but because I still care about you."

Michael laughed sarcastically while releasing Kaidan's hand. "I've been working hard."

"I miss you."

"I doubt it, you've been very busy with your ... Husband," Michael said sarcastically.

Kaidan realized his jealous tone, but saw him lower his guard, "please forget me already, or tell me what I have to do to gain your trust and your friendship again."

"Damnit you how can I say no when you are looking me like that."

Kaidan saw him grab the chair and sit next to his bedside, and Kaidan felt an immense happiness that he finally forgives him. They talked for a while. Michael was telling him how he tries to date someone out, but it did not work.

Kaidan felt happy to talk with him as they used to do before. Michael talk to him about his encounter with John, and apologize to him for the harsh things he said to his husband, that made him remember the kind of man that Michael was, a good man.

"Kaidan I miss you I miss sleeping next to you, and you maybe don't believe me, but like you I miss my friend."

Kaidan couldn't doubt his words, the two of them apart from the relationship that they used to had, they had been very good friends. Kaidan wasn't a man to have friends, even, he remember how shy he used to be before meeting his husband. "We can be friends."

"Yes, but it's hard to be around you and know that you are now prohibited for me."

Kaidan took his hand to Michael's cheek caressing it gently." if it had been otherwise." Kaidan looked behind him, and removed his hand quickly.

"I see you two don't waste any time," John said angrily from the door.

"John-"

"Save Alenko." John cut him off fast.

"We weren't doing anything wrong." Michael says as he was getting up from the chair.

"Let me alone with my husband," John demands while looking at him angrily.

"Kaidan I will be back in a while to look at you."

"No," John said quickly.

"Kaidan is my patient."

"My husband was you patient. You better open you onmitool, and check your orders, because since today you work for me." John said as he was enjoyed the look of surprise and dislike on the doctor face.

"What!" Kaidan said. If Michael worked with them, the Normandy would be a nightmare for him. Those two can't be together in the same room, much less work together in the same ship. "John-" Kaidan saw the glare that his husband gave him, preventing him for continue talking after seeing John's eyes shine with rage.

"You crazy if you think I'm going to work for you."

"John walking towards him with his hands on his waist, "well doc, I can't force you, but I think it will not help your career have a complaint made by me in your registry, refusing to help Commander Shepard, the man that will save an entire galaxy including your ass."

"John-"

"You shut up," John said as he pointed his finger at him for a moment.

"So Doctor Martinez, if you are such a good doctor I will see you in the Normandy. Docking Bay 24. Now let me alone with my husband." John saw the Doctor take a deep breath, and look at Kaidan for a moment before heading out the door, and then John looked at his husband. "What the hell are you doing touching another man?" John yells at him.

"Do not talk to mi like that," Kaidan yell at him back, still a little confused by the news that John just gives them.

"I speak as what I please, answers my question."

"I'm not going to fucking answer you, John Shepard, not while you're talking to me in that tone," Kaidan said firmly.

"Damnit," John took a deep breath, he had been eagerly waiting to see his husband, and the last thing he wanted was to fight with him. He approached Kaidan, trying to grab his hand.

"Do not touch me," Kaidan said angrily.

John grabbed his hand anyway. "How are you?"

"Now you care about me?" Kaidan said, trying not to look at him.

"Damnit Kai, try to understand me. I've been worried sick about you, and eager to see you, to find you now touching another man, and worst of all your ex-boyfriend!"

"I wasn't touching him, not as you think anyway. You know what just go leave me alone."

"No fucking way. Baby I'm sorry, you... you know how jealous I am, I can't stand anyone to look at you or touch you, much less the doc. Love, Please tell me how you feel?" John said as he took his hand to Kaidan's cheek stroking it. He knew that Kaidan did not like those scenes of jealousy, but he could not help it.

Kaidan looked at his eyes, there is no longer anger in them only a look full all love, and John Shepard, was his weakness. "I feel much better after seeing you in spite of your abrupt entrance to the room" Kaidan said smiling at him.

John smiling back, and without waiting another minute, he brought his lips to his husband to kissing him intensely. "God I miss your lips Baby," John said between his lips.

"Me too ..."

John broke the kiss sitting down in the chair, then kiss his hand before looking at him again, "You can't imagine what I felt when I saw you lying on the floor ... Kaidan ... I felt," John cleared his throat, only to remember that moment made him feel a chill throughout his body, "I felt that my world was collapsing in front of me."

Kaidan could feel the anguish in his word, and after that kiss, he no longer felt the anger." Hey I'm fine, and I'm here."

"Yes, but for how long? Kaidan I need you by my side I told you in the email, I can hardly sleep without you next to me I couldn't barely eat ether-"

"Yea I noticed that," Kaidan said laughing.

"How?"

"I can see you've lost some weight, not much but a little."

"Do not start Alenko. Baby tells me that you love me I need to hear with desperation," John asked him anxiously.

"I love you John, but tell me how you are?"

After he woke up a few days ago in the hospital, the first thing he did was ask if his commander was fine. Kaidan felt an anguish of thinking that Doctor Eva would have done something to him, the last thing he saw that day before losing consciousness was the eyes of the Dr. before she slammed him against the shutter.

"Yes doing?"

"That's not an answer love."

John let out a sigh. "I feel hopeless, moody, irritated. Palaven was being destroyed by the reaper; moreover I have to try to acquire the help of the Crogan. I have a lot of reports to fill out, and my husband is not with me. That answers your question. "

"That can be arranged, now that Michael will be on the ship, he can take care of me from there. I won't be able to go on missions with you because he wants me to keep my implant offline for a while, but I can help you fill out reports." Kaidan saw his eyes light up with his words.

"You think so baby?"

"Well, you'll have to go and asks him yourself." Kaidan hears him grunting. "Oh I can stay here."

"Damnit, wait here ... Do not laugh it's not funny. You take advantage of me because you know I'm weak with you. I will be right back."

Kaidan stared at the door as he left. He still couldn't believe that a man as his commander is, could give up so easy with him, so maybe that is why Kaidan bear his jealous rage, or the way he is, because he knew very well that his commander is madly loves with him, and that made him feel flattered.

After a while, John came back. "It's done, you will come back with me baby. I want you to meet my pilot he is a very nice man, and like you he lost his husband when the Collector attacked. He had been talking with me on nights when I can't sleep." John notices the change in his husband's face. "What?"

"Come closer to me," Kaidan wait for him to be close then he grabbed him by his jaw. "Do you like that man?"

"Baby-"

"'Do not baby me John Shepard Alenko, if my memory serves me, my husband does not like to talk to anyone but me."

"You're jealous baby?"

"Yes."

"You have no reason to be if, you know I only live for you."

* * *

A while later Kaidan was entering with John and Michael to the cabin. With the help of his husband, he could get to bed and lie on it. Kaidan could feel the tension between them, and while Michael was examining him John didn't stop looking at Michael for a second watching every move he makes.

"Okay, Kaidan you can't move out of this bed without my consent, and" Michael looked directly at John, "You can't have any kind of physical activity into I say so."

John rolls his eyes knowing, exactly, what he meant. "Do not worry doc, there are other ways to demonstrate affection, and Kaidan, and I have many."

"John!"

What? "

'Oh, don't worry Kaidan you takes the words from who it saying." Michael winked at him." I'll come back later to check on you. "

"What the hell-"

"No," Kaidan grabbed him by the arm until Michael left the room.

"Kaidan, do you see what he did?"

"You started with your double meaning words John Shepard."

"Now you're going to defend him." John said waving his hands dramatically.

"Oh, stop that I won't feel sorry for you. You know what, you two will end up killing each other one day."

"If he winking his eye or touches you again, I will kill him-"

"Yea ... Yea ..." Kaidan patted the side of the bed, "Come lay beside me, I have to tell you something about Udina."

John leaned on bed snuggling beside him. He opens Kaidan's shirt to caress his chest to feel his bare skin." Ah.. I miss this."

"Love, you know that we both work in the Alliance. We won't be together all the time-"

"Kaidan."

'Yes love. "

John told him briefly of the conversation he had with the Admiral seeing the amazement in his face. He remembered that once he told him that the Alliance was his life. "I want a normal life with you."

"I... I'm surprised, but I can't deny that I like the idea."

"Now tell me what you were going to tell me about Udina?"

Kaidan explain that Udina wanted to make him specter, and how he needed his advice regarding the matter. Besides loving his husband deeply Kaidan felt great respect and admiration for him, so his advice was very important to him that, in the fact, he doesn't trust Udina.

"Well, Major Alenko Shepard you deserve it, so accept it."

Kaidan turn his face meeting with his husband's lips. He brought his hand to John's cheek and looked at him for a moment before kissing him intensely. "When I recover you and I will make love wildly."

"I... I am looking forward to it. You know what baby now that you're with me again; my appetite has been opened again."

"No... no…Again .." Kaidan saw him get out of bed." John Shepard comes back to bed."

John rubbed his stomach, "You're hungry?"

Kaidan could not deny that he was hungry; the hospital food was awful "you are going to cook?"

"Yes ..."

'Okay then. As you return I will begin to fill the reports, oh, by the way, I like the cabin. "

"Me too I will be back in a moment."

Kaidan began to fill reports quietly for a while until he saw the door open. He looks at Liara, "what do you want?"

"Can we talk?"

"Now do you want to talk Liara because you didn't what to do it some time ago, when you could have avoided that I broke Michael's heart," Kaidan said, still working in the report. His words were cold and sharp.

"I warned you!" Shep snapped at him.

Kaidan looked up, "No, you just asked me to stop seeing Michael without giving me a logical explanation. Why didn't you tell me anything?"

"Because I thought you would run to tell the alliance, and they would have doing something to stopped Cerberus for bring Shepard back ... You were very strict true to your principles."

"I was a man in love Liara; I would have put myself at the service of Cerberus if that meant having the man I love back. Damnit Liara, you saw all that I suffer by John's death." Kaidan yell at her, and then he grabs his side with an expression of pain on his face.

"Kaidan I'm sorry."

"Sorry is not enough to replacement a broken heart, and a few years of immense pain, because despite me being with Michael, I never stops suffering for John," Kaidan said. He could not help complain of pain.

"Kaidan," John said from the doorway putting the tray of dishes on the desk then hastens he went next to his husband. "Kaidan you okay?"

"Yes," He said looking angrily at Liara.

"Liara what the hell is wrong with you, you couldn't wait. Get out of here you can't see that Kaidan is not right."

"Sorry," she said with her eyes full of tears walking out the door.

Kaidan saw terror in his husband face. "Hey I'm okay calm down."

"Damnit baby, I will die if something happened to you again," John said hugging him carefully.

"That will not happen because I have my brave commander, watching over me," Kaidan said rubbing his back.

John kissed his cheek, "I love you Kaidan."

"No more than what I love you. Now where is that dinner?"

"Oh yes, I prepared your favorite food, pasta with steak."

They eat dined quietly on bed, Kaidan listen to John talk about his mission in Palaven and about his next mission to rescue the female Crogan. He also told him about wreav presence on the ship.

"I do not trust him."

"Me neither."

"That was delicious."

John grabbed the plates, "you're not the only one who know how to cook."

"But the one who always ends up doing it!"

"Well, I like my husband the cook for me." John lies down beside him putting his head in Kaidan's shoulder, and then he puts his leg over Kaidan's while his husband filled the report. "I love you ..." John murmured after a while half asleep.

"I love you too ... John ... John." Kaidan smiled at he saw his husband finally fall asleep peacefully.


End file.
